The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he decided to give him a break. Instead of arresting him, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. As they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood, the officer glanced at the expensive houses lining the street and became increasingly doubtful. “Are you sure this is your house?” the cop asked. “Shertainly!” said the drunk, “and if you’ll just open the door f’me, I can prove it to ya.”
Entering the living room, he proudly pointed around as though he were giving the officer a tour of his property. “You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me.”
The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor, wondering with every unsteady step whether he had actually brought the right man home. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. “Thish ish my bedroom,” he announced.
“Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An’ see that guy lying next to her?”
“Yeah?” the cop replied suspiciously, beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man’s story. He stared at the stranger in the bed, then at the woman beside him, and finally back at the drunk. For a moment, the room seemed to fall completely silent.
“Well, thash me!”
====================================
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just another false alarm, so he stayed put. Unfortunately, he had badly misjudged the situation. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window without stopping to think about where they might land. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets suddenly landed directly on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself from the sheets that had wrapped around him.
He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets in utter confusion, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident walked up to him and asked, “What the hell is going on?”
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets as though trying to understand what kind of supernatural attack had just taken place, slowly looked up at the guard and replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
