Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night clerk, and one of them says, “Could you please give us a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you say,” the drunk replies, waving his hand impatiently.
The clerk hands them a key, and somehow they manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling with the key for ten minutes, they finally manage to get the door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them, leaving them in total darkness. They feel their way forward slowly, and both collapse onto the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says one, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
But as they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize something is terribly wrong. There is somebody else in the bed with them.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” one of them shouts.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says the other.
“Let’s get rid of them! We paid for this room, and we’re going to sleep in these beds!” says the first.
They immediately begin a tremendous struggle in the darkness. They push, pull, shove, and wrestle with all the strength their drunken bodies can manage.
Finally, one of them gives one last enormous shove and throws the other onto the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!” he shouts triumphantly. “I’ve thrown mine off the bed!”
“You are lucky,” says the other from the floor. “I got thrown off too, and I’m too tired to fight anymore.”
“Well, never mind,” says the first. “Why don’t you just come and share my bed? Let’s get some sleep around here.”
And with that, the two exhausted drunks settle down together, completely unaware that they had been fighting with each other the entire time.
A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock. He walks out of the shop carrying it and accidentally walks straight into a drunk guy.
They both fall over, and the clock crashes to the ground, smashing into pieces.
The guy angrily looks at the drunk and says, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
The drunk slowly looks at the broken clock and then back at the man.
“Why don’t you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?”
A policeman stops two drunks and asks one of them, “Where do you live?”
“Nowhere,” the first drunk replies.
The policeman looks at the second drunk and asks, “And where do you live?”
“We’re neighbours,” the second drunk confidently replies.
Two drunks are walking along late at night.
One drunk suddenly looks up and says to the other, “What a beautiful night! Look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops, squints at the sky, and shakes his head.
“You’re wrong. That’s not the moon. That’s the sun.”
They immediately begin arguing.
“It’s the moon!”
“It’s the sun!”
Neither one is willing to give in. Finally, they come upon another drunk walking down the street.
They stop him and ask, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument?”
“Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looks up at the sky for several seconds, scratches his head, and finally says, “Sorry, gentlemen. I don’t live around here.”
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris.
The officer politely explained, “Ma’am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.”
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris in disbelief.
“Lost? You’ve been going to that park for 30 years! How did you get lost today?”
Grandpa Morris lowered his head and quietly waited for the officer to look away.
Then he leaned toward Grandma Bessie and whispered, “I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks.
The officer says sternly, “Sir, you can’t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!”
The old man nods, agrees, and drives away.
The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck, still completely full of ducks.
But this time, every single duck is wearing sunglasses.
Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again.
“I thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!” the officer exclaims.
The old man grins and replies, “I did! But now the little rascals want to go to the beach!”
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of beer.
He heads to a corner and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn. Once he’s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more.
Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, “You know, beer goes flat pretty quickly after it’s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.”
The cowboy smiles and explains, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got two brothers—one in Arizona and the other in Colorado. When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we’d each have one for the others, just like we did back home.
“So I’m drinking for my brothers and myself.”
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves it at that.
The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation. Everyone in the bar gets used to seeing the three mugs lined up in front of him.
Then, one evening, he walks in and orders only two mugs.
The regulars notice immediately. Conversations grow quiet, and several people exchange worried looks.
When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in and says, “I’m sorry for your loss. I just wanted to offer my condolences.”
The cowboy looks confused for a second.
Then he bursts out laughing.
“Oh, no, no one’s passed away!” he chuckles. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking. But my brothers are still going strong!”
LOL!
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a nice day!!
An Old Cowboy Gets 3 Wishes
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when suddenly he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
With the last of his strength, he crawls toward it, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.
He opens it.
Suddenly, a genie pops out.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There is a calculator in her pocketbook, and a pencil is tucked behind one ear.
“Well, old cowboy,” says the genie, “you know how this works. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the old man suspiciously. “I’m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose?” the genie asks. “You have no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The old man thinks about this for a minute and realizes she has a point.
“Fine,” he says. “Let’s see what happens.”
“Shazam!”
Suddenly, the old cowboy finds himself standing in a lush oasis surrounded by crystal-clear water, delicious food, and jugs of wine.
“Okay, old boy,” says the genie. “What’s your second wish?”
The cowboy grins.
“My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
“Shazam!”
In an instant, the old man is surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and sparkling precious gems.
“Okay, cowpuncher,” says the genie. “You have just one wish left. Better make it a good one.”
The old cowboy thinks long and hard.
Finally, he says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
“Shazam!”
There is a flash of light.
The old cowboy looks down in horror.
He has been turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s always going to be a string attached.
+——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
How Much Money Did I Have?
Puzzles can come in many “flavors.” Today, there are millions to choose from online. They can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions, brain teasers—and even classic old riddles.
Riddles are very popular, so here comes an old one.
The question is simple:
**How Much Money Did I Have?**
The riddle says:
“I had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars. My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars.
I had another 5 dollars.
How much money did I have?”
A
B
C
Here is the correct answer.
Have you come up with an answer?
Take a deep breath and concentrate. The answer might be easier than you think. Maybe there is something you are missing in this old riddle.
The trick is hidden in the wording.
The question asks how much money you **“did”** have—not how much money you received from other people.
So the answer is **18 dollars**.
You originally had 13 dollars and another 5 dollars, which means you had 18 dollars.
The money given to you by your parents, aunt, and uncle is irrelevant to what you already had.
Clever, right?
Sometimes the hardest part of a riddle isn’t the math. It’s noticing exactly what the question is asking.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They’ve been married for 55 years. The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they’re both sipping lukewarm tea while watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard.
Out of the blue, Edna sighs and says, “Bert, let’s talk about our bucket lists.”
Bert raises an eyebrow.
“Bucket lists? Edna, I’m 87. My list is down to ‘wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.’”
Edna chuckles.
“No, I’m serious. Before we go, we should each do something we’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.”
Bert thinks for a moment.
“All right, fine. I’ve always wanted to go skydiving.”
Edna’s eyes widen.
“Skydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.”
Bert shrugs.
“Well, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden. I’ve always wanted to haunt him.”
They laugh, and Edna nods.
“Okay, okay. You go skydiving. I’ll do mine too.”
Bert squints.
“And what’s yours?”
Edna suddenly gets a mischievous sparkle in her eye—the same one she had back in 1965 when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out the car window during an argument.
“I’ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.”
Bert gulps.
“Confess what?”
Edna leans closer and whispers, “You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?”
Bert nods.
“Yeah. Blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.”
Edna smiles.
“Well, it was me.
I jammed a spatula into the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in ’89.”
Bert gasps.
“You monster!”
Edna giggles.
“And remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark Channel, no matter what button you pressed?”
Bert blinks.
“You said it was haunted!”
Edna smirks.
“Nope. I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it.
You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.”
Bert’s mouth drops open.
“Why would you do that?!”
Edna calmly sips her tea.
“Because payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.”
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing and says, “You know what, Edna?
“I’ve got a confession too.”
“Oh?” she says. “You remember my ‘fishing trips’ every Saturday for ten years?”
Edna narrows her eyes.
“You don’t fish.”
“I know,” Bert says proudly. “I was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies. They’re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.”
Edna stares at him in disbelief.
“You mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!”
They both burst into laughter.
And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they went bowling together—mostly to keep an eye on each other.
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car accident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Thanks to the wife’s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had been in great shape for the last decade.
St. Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion—complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table.
“Wow! How much does this cost?” the husband asked.
“Nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is Heaven—everything is free!”
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world’s most elite greens.
“Incredible!” the wife said.
“And the green fees?”
“Free,” St. Peter chuckled. “This is Heaven.”
Then they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast—Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream.
The husband, still skeptical, asked, “Okay…but how much?”
“Sir, for the last time…FREE. This is Heaven!”
The husband hesitated.
“Well…do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?”
St. Peter laughed.
“In Heaven, you’ll never gain weight or get sick. Eat whatever you want!”
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.
“What’s wrong?” his wife asked, confused.
He pointed at her and yelled, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If it weren’t for your damn bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!”
LOL!! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
——————————————————————————————————————————————
Little Johnny failed his math test.
Father: “Why did you fail your mathematics test?”
Johnny: “On Monday, the teacher said 3+5=8.”
Father: “So?”
Johnny: “On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8.”
Father: “And?”
Johnny: “On Wednesday, she said 6+2=8…”
He pauses dramatically.
“If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?”
==================================
Benjamin was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks.
After serving about 12 years, he was notified that his uncle from Ludhiana had died and left him over $50,000.
Benjamin was thrilled when the warden told him the money would be placed in trust until he was released.
The warden asked if there was anything he wanted to buy before the money was tied up.
Benjamin thought for a moment.
“Yes,” he said. “I’ve read a lot about computers. I want a computer.”
The warden agreed and got him one.
A brand-new Compaq computer.
After a few weeks, the warden visited Benjamin in his cell to see how he was doing.
To his amazement, he saw the computer smashed into pieces on the floor.
The warden stared at the wreckage.
“What happened?”
Benjamin looked frustrated.
“It didn’t work right. I got mad.”
“What did you want the computer to do?”
Benjamin sighed.
“I only wanted one simple thing from it. One simple task, and it couldn’t do it.”
“What task?”
Benjamin pointed toward the smashed keyboard.
“I hit the Escape key and nothing happened. I hit the key again, and still nothing happened.”
The warden stared at him.
Benjamin sighed.
“I’m still here. I think I’m going to sue Compaq.”
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
The Right Answer
The teacher said, “I’ll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The teacher said, “Sorry, Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Maurice. Come up here and I’ll give you two dollars.”
As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, “You know, Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”
Maurice replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”
The woman was very rich, and the man was poor but honest. She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it.
One night, he had been a little more tender than usual.
“You are very rich,” he ventured.
“Yes,” she replied frankly. “I’m worth $1.25 million.”
“And I’m poor,” he replied.
“Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“I thought you would say no.”
“Then why did you ask me?”
“Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses $1.25 million.”
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office, and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window.
He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for $5,000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$5,000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.”
He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times.
The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins inside.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stan.
“All right, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes.
“Darn, where did she get all THAT from?” wonders Stanley.
Suddenly, the desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.
——————————————————————————————————
A Texan Farmer Goes To Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia.
There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.
The Australian shows off his large wheat field, and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch for a bit, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan farmer immediately says:
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Australian responds with an incredulous look.
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile!
Have a nice day!!!
A Government Man Approaches a Pig Farmer One Day
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers, “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The man is shocked.
“Sir, this is animal cruelty! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer replies, “Oh, the pigs? Only the best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!”
The man is shocked.
“Sir, the food is way too rich for them. They’ll get sick! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
On the third day, another man approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers, “Oh, the pigs? I’ll give them 20 bucks each and let them shop for themselves.”
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
———————————————————————————————————————
A Man and Smart Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2, and that continues for a year.
Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50.
“Well,” he thinks, “it’s always better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the daily donation suddenly becomes $1.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar finally asks his donor.
“First you gave me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “my eldest son went to college last year. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs. This year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” asks the beggar.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
Two Beggars in London
Two beggars in London, Ali and Habib, are begging in different areas.
Habib begs just as long as Ali does but only gets £2 to £3 every day.
Ali, however, brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has plenty of money to spend.
Habib finally asks him, “I work as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?”
Ali smiles.
“Look at your sign. What does it say?”
Habib’s sign reads:
“I have no job, a wife, and six kids to support.”
Ali shakes his head.
“No wonder you only get £2 or £3.”
Habib asks, “So what does your sign say?”
Ali shows him his sign.
It reads:
“I only need another £10 to move back to my country.”
LOL!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!
———————————————————————————————————————
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.
“I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, and drove them to school.
He came home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company, and paid the bills.
Then he went grocery shopping, came home, and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep, and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breading the pork chops, and snapping fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m., he was exhausted.
And though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to have a “great time” with his wife—which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed.
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied,
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
…
..
.
“You’ll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!”
=========
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks at the dog suspiciously.
“A Doberman Pinscher?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “They’re using them now. They’re very good and protect me from robbers, too.”
The man at the door thinks about it and finally says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck!”
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again, the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer stares at the tiny Chihuahua.
“A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua shrugs.
“A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A customer left his cell phone in my store.
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom,” and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.
It was “Mom.”
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.
The barman serves him.
The man drinks it and orders another.
This goes on for a while until the chap begins to slow down.
The barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife.”
“She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
The barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
The chap takes another sip and shakes his head.
“You don’t understand.”
The barman raises an eyebrow.
“This is the last night.”
=====
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be very serious thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?”
She held up the dipstick and sighed.
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, “One of the engines has failed, and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry; we still have three engines.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry; we still have two engines left.”
An hour later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry; we have one engine left.”
The two blondes looked at each other nervously.
Finally, one blonde said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day.”
============================================
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right.
One morning, while he was sleeping, she went out early and bought some large artificial intestines.
She carefully stuffed them into her husband’s underwear.
A short while later, he woke up.
There was a terrifying scream.
Then silence.
For the next 30 minutes, he said nothing.
Another 30 minutes passed.
Finally, he came downstairs, sweating profusely and looking completely shaken.
“What happened?” asked his wife, trying desperately not to laugh.
“You were right!” he cried.
“My intestines did come out!”
His wife gasped.
“But don’t worry, honey,” he continued. “After a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy session in front of the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband:
“Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Looking her over carefully, Michael replies:
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.
Just as she is about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her.
“Whoa, hold on there, sweetie…”
She smiles.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S.—Please let us know if you’ve seen him. We’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”
“We’ll get Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation,” the principal said.
A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm.
“He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
“That’s no excuse!” shouted the father.
“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle
After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up.
“I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart.
When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
————————————————————————————————————————-
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm…that’s funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it.
“Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady.”
The woman looked puzzled.
The boy smiled innocently.
“The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
LOLLLL!
Did you laugh?
We hope you enjoyed these jokes and that they brought a little laughter to your day. Have a wonderful day! You are loved!
