The teacher said, “I’ll give 2 dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy immediately put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher smiled and replied, “Sorry, Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and confidently said, “It was Napoleon.” The teacher shook her head and replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy slowly raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher smiled brightly and said, “That’s absolutely right, Maurice! Come up here and I’ll give you 2 dollars.”
As the teacher handed Maurice his money, she looked at him curiously and said, “You know, Maurice, with you being Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ.”
Maurice slipped the money into his pocket and calmly replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”
The woman was very rich, and the man was poor but completely honest.
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it. One night, after he had been a little more tender and romantic than usual, he looked at her and said, “You are very rich,” he ventured cautiously.
“Yes,” she replied frankly. “I’m worth 1.25 million dollars.”
“And I’m poor,” he replied. “Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“I thought you would say no.”
“Then why did you ask me?”
“Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses 1.25 million dollars.”
Stanley was looking for a new desk for his office when he spotted one that looked absolutely perfect in the window of an antique shop. Curious, he went inside and asked the shopkeeper how much it was.
“That desk is going for $5,000,” said the shopkeeper.
“$5,000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaimed Stanley.
“Ah,” said the shopkeeper with a mysterious smile, “but this is no ordinary desk. It’s a magic desk.”
He turned toward the desk and asked, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk immediately tapped one of its legs against the floor four times. The shopkeeper reached into his pocket, pulled out his coins, and, sure enough, there were exactly four dollar coins.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” said Stanley, staring at the desk.
“Alright, desk,” Stanley said, now completely fascinated, “how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk suddenly went wild. All four of its legs began banging up and down repeatedly, frantically and without stopping. It continued for more than five minutes.
Stanley stared at it in amazement. “Darn,” he whispered, “where did she get all THAT from?”
Suddenly, the desk’s legs slid apart and its drawers dropped open.
——————————————————————————————————-
A Texan Farmer Goes to Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia. While traveling through the countryside, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.
The Australian farmer proudly shows off his enormous wheat field, stretching as far as the eye can see.
“Oh!” says the Texan farmer, barely impressed. “We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Trying not to look discouraged, the Australian farmer takes him farther around the ranch and proudly shows him his huge herd of cattle.
The Texan farmer immediately looks at the cattle and says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
By now, the Australian farmer is beginning to wonder whether there is anything in Australia that can possibly impress this Texan.
The conversation is almost at a complete standstill when the Texan suddenly notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across the field.
He points toward them and asks, “And what are those?”
The Australian farmer looks at him with an incredulous expression and calmly replies,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a nice day!!!
A government man approaches a pig farmer one day.
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers, “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The government official looks horrified.
“Sir, this is animal cruelty! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The farmer sighs and pays the fine.
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer, remembering what happened the previous day, replies, “Oh, the pigs? Only the very best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!”
The official looks even more shocked.
“Sir, that food is far too rich for them! They’ll get sick! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The farmer pays the second fine and begins to wonder if there is any possible answer that will satisfy the government.
On the third day, another man approaches the farmer and asks him the same question.
The farmer pauses, thinks carefully, and finally answers, “Oh, the pigs?”
He shrugs.
“I’ll give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves.”
LOL!! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
———————————————————————————————————————
A Man and a Smart, Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2. This continues faithfully for an entire year.
Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50.
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s always better than nothing.”
Another year passes in exactly the same way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes just $1.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar finally asks his donor.
“First you gave me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “my eldest son went to college last year. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut my costs.”
The beggar nods slowly.
“This year, my eldest daughter also went to university,” the man continues, “so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
The beggar looks at him for a moment before asking, “And how many children do you have?”
“Four,” the man replies.
The beggar sighs and shakes his head.
“Well,” he says, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
**Two Beggars in London**
Two beggars in London, Ali and Habib, beg in different areas of the city.
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, works just as hard, and spends just as many hours on the street, but somehow he only manages to collect £2 to £3 every day.
Ali, however, brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and seems to have plenty of money to spend.
One day, Habib finally becomes curious.
He asks Ali, “I work as long and as hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every single day?”
Ali smiles and says, “Look at your sign. What does it say?”
Habib looks down at his sign.
It reads:
“I have no job, a wife, and 6 kids to support.”
Ali shakes his head.
“No wonder you only get £2 to £3.”
Habib looks puzzled.
“So what does your sign say?”
Ali proudly turns his sign around and shows it to him.
It reads:
“I only need another £10 to move back to my country.”
LOL! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!
————————————————————————————————————————-
A Man Learns What His Wife Really Does All Day
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
One evening, after another exhausting day at work, he finally complained, “I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.”
He wanted her to understand what he went through, so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill.
Then he drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills.
After that, he went grocery shopping, came home, and put away all the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Once they arrived, he set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops, and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m., he was completely exhausted.
And even though his daily chores still weren’t finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to have a “great time” with his wife—which he somehow managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke exhausted and immediately knelt beside the bed.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.”
“Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.”
The man sighed with relief.
Then the Lord added,
“You’ll have to wait 9 months, though.”
The man froze.
“You got pregnant last night!”
=========
The Seeing-Eye Dog Trick
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher grins and says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts walking toward the entrance.
The bouncer at the door immediately stops him.
“Sorry, mac, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher calmly says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks down at the huge Doberman.
“A Doberman Pinscher?”
He answers, “Yes. They’re using them now. They’re very good. They can even protect me from robbers, too.”
The man at the door thinks about it for a moment, then finally says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua watches carefully and figures, “What the heck!”
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts walking toward the door with his tiny Chihuahua.
Once again, the bouncer steps forward.
“Sorry, pal, no pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks down at the tiny dog.
“A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua looks genuinely surprised.
“A Chihuahua?”
Then he shakes his head and says,
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A Customer Left His Cell Phone in a Store
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped when I saw “Mom,” and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I explained what had happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take care of it.”
I thanked her and put the phone aside.
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.
It was “Mom.”
I answered.
There was a short pause.
Then she said,
“Martin, you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
The Last Night
A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.
The barman serves him.
The man drinks it and orders another.
This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.
The barman notices and asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
The barman shakes his head sympathetically.
“Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
The chap takes another sip and looks at him sadly.
“You don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand?” asks the barman.
The chap sighs.
“This is the last night.”
=====
The Blonde and the Oil Dipstick
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be very serious and intelligent thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am, of course,” the attendant replied. “Why do you need a longer one?”
She looked completely serious.
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two Blondes on a Flight to Miami
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry; we still have three engines.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry; we still have two engines left.”
An hour later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer.”
There was a long silence in the cabin.
“But don’t worry,” the captain continued, “we have one engine left.”
One blonde looked nervously at the other.
The plane continued flying.
Finally, the first blonde turned to her friend and said,
“If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
============================================
The Husband Who Wanted to Trade Places
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right.
One morning, while her husband was sleeping, she went out and bought some big intestines.
She carefully stuffed them into her husband’s underwear while he slept.
A short while later, he woke up.
The moment he discovered what had happened, he let out a huge scream.
Then he suddenly fell silent.
For the next 30 minutes, the house was completely quiet.
Another 30 minutes passed.
Finally, he came downstairs, sweating profusely and looking absolutely exhausted.
“What happened?” asked the wife, trying very hard to keep a straight face.
“You were right!” he gasped.
“My intestines did come out!”
The wife tried not to laugh.
“But don’t worry, honey,” he continued.
“After a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s Wife Wants to Look Younger
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the signs of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she finally turns toward her husband.
“Darling,” she says sweetly, “honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Michael looks over her carefully.
He studies her face.
Then her hair.
Then her figure.
Finally, he smiles and replies…
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.
Just as she is about to tell Michael what reward he deserves, he stops her.
“WHOA, hold on there, sweetie…”
She looks at him expectantly.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S. — Please let us know if you’ve seen him. We’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
The Father Who Wanted His Son to Get an A
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”
“We’ll get Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation,” the principal said.
A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
“That’s no excuse!” shouted the father.
The teacher stared at him.
The principal looked uncomfortable.
The father folded his arms, waiting for an explanation.
Finally, he declared,
“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle
After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured or unable to make decisions for themselves.
Tom immediately spoke up.
“I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words very seriously.
When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
————————————————————————————————————————————
The Honest Little Boy and the Christmas Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
Fortunately, it was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking inside her purse, the woman counted the money and suddenly looked confused.
“Hmmm… That’s funny.”
She looked at the boy.
“When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied,
“That’s right, lady.”
The woman raised an eyebrow.
The boy continued,
“The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
LOLLLL! Did you laugh? We hope you enjoyed this joke. Have a nice day!
You are loved!
====================================
The Trainee Who Outsmarted the CEO on His First Day
First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss!
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a huge corporate empire.
Feeling bold and eager to show that he belongs, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry.
“Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.
But—oops!
He didn’t dial the pantry.
A voice on the other end snaps back,
“You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”
The trainee pauses.
“No,” he replies.
The voice on the other end huffs angrily.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee thinks for a second.
Then, instead of panicking, he shouts back,
“And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”
The CEO, now totally confused, asks,
“No. Who?”
The trainee calmly replies,
“Good!”
And hangs up.
