Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter looked at the first officer and asked, “What did you do with your life?”
“I was a police officer,” he replied.
Saint Peter nodded. “And what kind of police officer were you?”
“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”
Saint Peter smiled warmly. “Welcome to Heaven. You may enter through the gates.”
He turned to the second man and asked, “And what did you do as a police officer?”
“I was a traffic officer,” the man answered proudly. “I kept the roads and highways safe. I stopped dangerous drivers and tried to prevent accidents.”
“Excellent,” Saint Peter said. “Welcome to Heaven. You may enter through the gates.”
Finally, Saint Peter looked at the third officer.
“And what did you do as a police officer?”
“I was a military policeman, sir,” the man replied.
Saint Peter’s expression suddenly changed. His eyes lit up, and he practically jumped to his feet.
“Wonderful!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been waiting for you all day!”
The military policeman looked puzzled.
“Waiting for me? Why?”
Saint Peter leaned closer and lowered his voice.
“I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”
========================================
A young woman walks into a prestigious car showroom and begins looking around at all the magnificent vehicles on display.
There are Porsches, Lamborghinis, Jaguars, and every other luxury car imaginable. The salesman follows her politely, expecting her to ask about financing, monthly payments, or perhaps a test drive.
Instead, she points casually toward a gleaming red Porsche.
“Can I have the red one?”
The salesman blinks. “Excuse me?”
“The red one,” she repeats, pointing at the top-of-the-range Porsche. “I’ll pay cash.”
Before he can even explain the price, she opens a large carrier bag and starts pulling out handful after handful of cash.
The salesman stares in disbelief as she counts the money right there on the showroom floor. When she finally reaches the exact purchase price, the entire staff is speechless.
The deal is finalized remarkably quickly.
The woman takes the keys, climbs into the Porsche, and drives away.
Two days later, however, she is back.
She marches into the showroom, puts the keys on the manager’s desk, and announces, “I want my money back.”
The manager’s heart sinks.
“Is there a problem with the car, madam?”
“Yes!” she says emphatically. “It smells awfully bad whenever I use the brakes.”
The manager immediately becomes nervous. He certainly does not want to lose such a valuable sale, especially after taking cash and making a few questionable adjustments to the books.
He decides the best thing to do is ride in the car with her himself.
“I’ll come along,” he says. “Perhaps there’s something about the way you’re driving it that is causing the problem.”
The woman agrees.
He gets into the passenger seat, buckles himself in, and prepares for a short test drive.
He has no idea what he is about to experience.
She roars out of the dealership, drops the car into second gear at 55 mph, floors the accelerator, and shifts into third at 80 mph.
The manager grips the seat.
Then she takes a sharp turn into a country lane, performs a handbrake turn, and starts accelerating again.
120 mph in fourth gear.
Then fifth.
145 mph.
The engine screams as the speedometer climbs higher and higher.
The manager’s face has gone completely white.
The car reaches 170 mph.
The scenery outside has become nothing more than a green blur, while the G-force pins him firmly against his seat. He is desperately searching for something to say when, in the distance, he notices something that finally gives him hope.
A railway crossing.
The barriers are beginning to come down.
“Thank goodness,” he thinks. “She’ll have to slow down now!”
But instead, the pitch of the engine rises.
His eyes widen.
She isn’t slowing down.
The crossing is getting closer.
100 yards.
50 yards.
20 yards.
The manager braces himself for disaster.
At the very last moment, she slams on the brakes.
The Porsche stops only inches from the barrier.
For several seconds, neither of them says a word.
The manager is trembling, struggling to breathe, and wondering whether he has just witnessed the end of his life.
Then the woman casually turns toward him.
“Can you smell it?” she asks.
The manager stares at her in horror.
“SMELL IT?”
He looks down at himself, then back at her.
“I’M SITTING IN IT!”
========================================
A middle-aged woman suffers a massive heart attack and is rushed to the hospital.
While she is lying on the operating table, something extraordinary happens.
She has a near-death experience.
Suddenly, she finds herself standing before God.
She looks around, confused, and finally asks, “Is this it? Am I dead?”
God looks at her and says, “No. It’s not your time yet.”
The woman is stunned.
“You still have another 30 or 40 years to live,” God tells her.
She wakes up in the hospital and can’t stop thinking about what she has just experienced.
Thirty or forty more years!
She decides that if she has been given another chance at life, she is going to make the most of every single year.
And she starts immediately.
She stays in the hospital and gets a facelift.
Then liposuction.
Then breast augmentation.
Then a tummy tuck.
She changes her hair color, gets a completely new hairstyle, and spends a fortune transforming herself.
She figures that if she really has another 30 or 40 years ahead of her, she might as well look as young and glamorous as possible.
Finally, after all the procedures are completed, she walks out of the hospital feeling like an entirely new woman.
She steps confidently onto the street, admiring her reflection in a nearby window.
She has barely taken a few steps when suddenly—
CRASH!
An ambulance speeding toward the hospital swerves onto the road and hits her.
Everything goes dark.
A moment later, she finds herself standing before God again.
She looks at Him in complete disbelief.
“Wait a minute!” she says. “I thought you told me I had another 30 or 40 years to live!”
God looks at her carefully.
He pauses.
Then He shrugs.
“Oh,” He says.
“I didn’t recognize you.”
