Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office immediately to demand an explanation. “Is this some kind of mistake?” Margie asked when she finally got the doctor on the phone.
“No, not at all,” the doctor said calmly. “Well,” said Margie, still staring at the bill in disbelief, “that’s awfully costly just for knocking someone out.”
“Not at all,” replied the doctor. “I knock you out for free… The $900 is for bringing you back around.”
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A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. While lying on the operating table, she has a near-death experience. During the experience, she sees God and asks nervously, “Is this it? Am I really going to die?” God looks at her and says, “No. Your time has not come. You still have another 30 or 40 years to live.”
Upon her recovery, the woman decides that if she really has another 30 or 40 years ahead of her, she might as well make the most of them. So she stays in the hospital and has a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck—you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and completely change her hair color. She spends a fortune transforming herself, proudly thinking about all the extra decades she has supposedly been given.
Finally, after her last operation, she walks out of the hospital feeling younger, happier, and almost invincible. She takes a few confident steps toward the parking lot when, suddenly, an ambulance comes speeding around the corner. Before she can react, it strikes her. In an instant, she finds herself standing before God again. Furious and confused, she asks, “I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years to live!”
“Oh,” said God, looking at her carefully. “I didn’t recognize you.”
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just another one, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, his stomach betrayed him, and he filled his bed with diarrhea. He was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational and desperately looked around, hoping nobody had witnessed what had happened.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and, without thinking about what he was doing, threw them out of the hospital window. Unfortunately, a drunk was walking by the hospital at exactly that moment when the sheets landed directly on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself from the mysterious sheets that had suddenly attacked him.
He eventually managed to escape, ending up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the disgusting mess in complete confusion, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident walked up to him and asked, “What the hell is going on?”
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, slowly shook his head and replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
