Drunk guy gets pulled over. The officer starts doing sobriety tests on him. Finally, the officer says, “If you can pass this last test, I’ll let you go. Use the words ‘green,’ ‘pink,’ and ‘yellow’ in one sentence.”
The drunk man thinks for a moment, then confidently replies, “My phone went green, so I pinked it up and said, ‘Yellow.’”
The officer stares at him for a long moment.
“Have a nice day, sir!”
A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He walks up to the driver’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man immediately shakes his head. “Sorry, officer. I can’t do that. I’m asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine,” sighs the officer. “Then I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either,” the man says. “I’m a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
The officer looks increasingly frustrated.
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer. I can’t do that either. I’m diabetic. If I do that, my blood sugar will get dangerously low.”
The officer takes a deep breath and tries one final approach.
“Alright, then. I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
The man looks down at the line, then back at the officer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
The man sighs.
“Because I’m too drunk.”
A police officer responded to a report of a disturbance at a downtown restaurant.
The “disturbance” turned out to be a man well over six feet tall and weighing almost 300 pounds. The giant was loudly boasting that he could whip the police officer and even the heavyweight boxing champion of the world.
The officer calmly studied him for a moment.
“I bet you’re also an escape artist,” the policeman said. “Probably better than Houdini.”
The giant proudly nodded.
“If I had some chains,” the officer continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs.
Why don’t we see just how quickly you can break out of them?”
The giant eagerly agreed.
Once the cuffs were on, the man puffed, pulled, twisted, and jerked with all his strength. Four minutes passed.
Finally, he stopped, exhausted.
“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.
The officer raised an eyebrow.
“Are you sure?”
The fellow tried again. He pulled until his face turned red.
“Nope,” he finally admitted. “I can’t do it.”
The officer nodded.
“In that case, you’re under arrest.”
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris.
The officer politely explained, “Ma’am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.”
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris in disbelief.
“Lost? You’ve been going to that park for 30 years! How did you get lost today?”
Grandpa Morris waited until the officer had stepped a little farther away.
Then he leaned toward Grandma Bessie and whispered, “I wasn’t lost.”
Grandma raised an eyebrow.
“I was just too tired to walk home.”
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks. The officer says sternly, “Sir, you can’t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!”
The old man nods, agrees, and drives away.
The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck.
His eyes widen.
The truck is still overflowing with ducks—but this time, every single duck is wearing sunglasses.
Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again.
“I thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!”
The old man grins.
“I did!”
The officer points at the ducks.
“Then why are they all wearing sunglasses?”
The old man shrugs.
“But now the little rascals want to go to the beach!”
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of beer.
He heads to a corner and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn. Once he’s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more.
Curious, the bartender approaches him.
“You know, beer goes flat pretty quickly after it’s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.”
The cowboy smiles.
“Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got two brothers—one in Arizona and the other in Colorado.
When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we’d each have one for the others, just like we did back home.”
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves him alone.
The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.
One day, however, he walks into the bar and orders only two mugs.
The regulars notice immediately.
The room suddenly becomes quiet.
When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” he says. “I just wanted to offer my condolences.”
The cowboy looks confused for a second.
Then he bursts out laughing.
“Oh, no, no! Nobody passed away!”
The bartender looks relieved.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking.”
He raises his glass.
“But my brothers are still going strong!”
LOL! Hope this joke made you smile. Have a wonderful day!
An Old Cowboy Gets Three Wishes
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when suddenly he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
With the last of his strength, he crawls toward it, pulls it from the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.
He opens it.
Suddenly, out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She wears an Australian Taxation Office badge and a dull grey dress.
There is a calculator in her pocketbook, and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, old cowboy,” says the genie, “you know how this works.
You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the old man. “I’m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.”
The genie smiles.
“What do you have to lose? You have no transportation, no water, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The old man thinks about it for a minute.
Finally, he decides she has a point.
“Alright,” he says. “First wish: I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.”
Shazam!
The old cowboy suddenly finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicious food.
“Okay, old boy,” says the genie. “What’s your second wish?”
“My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
Shazam!
The old man is suddenly surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“Okay, cowpuncher,” the genie says. “You’ve got just one wish left.
Better make it a good one!”
The old cowboy sits quietly, thinking harder than ever before.
Finally, he smiles.
“I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
The genie smiles.
“Are you absolutely certain?”
“Absolutely!”
“Very well.”
Shazam!
The old cowboy looks down.
And suddenly, he is turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s probably a string attached.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
How Much Money Did I Have?
Puzzles can come in many “flavors.” Today, there are millions to choose from online.
They can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions—or even a classic old riddle.
Riddles are very popular, so here comes one.
The question is simple:
How Much Money Did I Have?
The riddle says:
“I had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars.
My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars. I had another 5 dollars.
How much money did I have?”
We’ll reveal the correct answer below.
A
B
C
Here is the correct answer.
Have you come up with an answer?
Take a deep breath and concentrate. The answer might be easier than you think.
Maybe there is something hidden in the wording of this old riddle.
After the picture below, you can see whether you got the right solution.
The answer is 18 dollars.
The clue is in the wording of the question. It asks how much money “DID” I have—not how much money I received from everyone.
That means the question is asking about the money you already had with you.
You had 13 dollars originally, plus another 5 dollars, which adds up to 18 dollars.
Clever, right?
Sometimes the trick isn’t in the mathematics at all.
You simply have to read the question carefully and think outside the box.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They’ve been married for 55 years.
The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they’re both sipping lukewarm tea while watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard.
Out of the blue, Edna sighs.
“Bert, let’s talk about our bucket lists.”
Bert raises an eyebrow.
“Bucket lists? Edna, I’m 87. My list is down to ‘wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.’”
Edna chuckles.
“No, I’m serious. Before we go, we should each do something we’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.”
Bert thinks for a moment.
“Alright, fine. I’ve always wanted to go skydiving.”
Edna’s eyes widen.
“Skydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.”
Bert shrugs.
“Well, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden.
I’ve always wanted to haunt him.”
They laugh, and Edna nods.
“Okay, okay. You go skydiving.
I’ll do mine too.”
Bert squints.
“And what’s yours?”
Edna suddenly gets a mischievous sparkle in her eye—the same one she had back in 1965 when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out of the car window during an argument.
“I’ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.”
Bert gulps.
“Confess what?”
Edna leans closer and whispers, “You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?”
Bert nods.
“Yeah. I blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.”
Edna smiles.
“Well, it was me. I jammed a spatula into the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in ’89.”
Bert gasps.
“You monster!”
Edna giggles.
“And remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark Channel, no matter what button you pressed?”
Bert blinks.
“You said it was haunted!”
Edna smirks.
“Nope.
I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it. You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.”
Bert’s mouth drops open.
“Why would you do that?!”
Edna calmly sips her tea.
“Because payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.”
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing.
“You know what, Edna? I’ve got a confession too.”
“Oh?” she says. “What is it?”
“You remember my ‘fishing trips’ every Saturday for ten years?”
Edna narrows her eyes.
“You don’t fish.”
“I know,” Bert says proudly. “I was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies.”
Edna stares at him.
“They’re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.”
Her jaw drops.
“You mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!”
They both burst into laughter.
And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they went bowling together—mostly to keep an eye on each other.
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car accident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Thanks to the wife’s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had remained in great shape for the last decade.
St. Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion—complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table.
“Wow!” the husband exclaimed. “How much does this cost?”
“Nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is Heaven. Everything is free!”
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world’s most elite greens.
“Incredible!” the wife said. “And the green fees?”
“Free,” St. Peter chuckled.
“This is Heaven.”
Then they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast—Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream.
The husband, still skeptical, asked, “Okay…but how much?”
“Sir, for the last time…FREE. This is Heaven!”
The husband hesitated.
“Well…do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?”
St. Peter laughed.
“In Heaven, you’ll never gain weight or get sick.
Eat whatever you want!”
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.
“What’s wrong?” his wife asked, completely confused.
He pointed at her and yelled, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
If it weren’t for your bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!”
LOL! Hope this joke made you smile!
Have a wonderful day!
——————————————————————————————————————————————
Little Johnny failed his math test.
Father: “Why did you fail your mathematics test?”
Johnny: “On Monday, the teacher said 3 + 5 = 8.”
Father: “So?”
Johnny: “On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.”
Father: “And?”
Johnny: “On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.”
The father stares at him.
Johnny shrugs.
“If she can’t make up her mind, how am I supposed to know the right answer?”
==================================
Benjamin was in jail, serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years, he was notified that his uncle from Ludhiana had died and left him more than $50,000.
Benjamin was thrilled.
When the warden told him the money would be placed in trust until he was released, he asked if there was anything he wanted to buy in the meantime.
Benjamin thought for a moment.
“I’ve read a lot about computers,” he said. “I’d like a computer.”
The warden agreed and arranged for him to receive a brand-new Compaq computer.
A few weeks later, the warden visited Benjamin’s cell to see how he was doing.
To his amazement, he found the computer smashed all over the floor.
“What happened?” the warden asked.
Benjamin sighed.
“It didn’t work right, so I got angry.”
The warden looked at the broken machine.
“What did you want the computer to do?”
Benjamin shook his head.
“I only wanted it to perform one simple task.”
“What task?”
Benjamin pointed angrily at the keyboard.
“I hit the Escape key, and nothing happened. I hit it again, and still nothing happened.”
The warden stared at him.
Benjamin continued, “And I’m still here!”
He crossed his arms.
“I think I’m going to sue Compaq.”
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
The Right Answer
The teacher said, “I’ll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The teacher shook her head.
“Sorry, Sean. That’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre. That’s not right either.”
Finally, a boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher smiled.
“That’s absolutely right. Come up here and I’ll give you the two dollars.”
As the teacher handed over the money, she said, “You know, I was very surprised that you gave that answer.”
The boy smiled.
“Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses.”
He slipped the money into his pocket.
“But business is business.”
The woman was very rich, and the man was poor but honest.
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it.
One night, he had been a little more tender than usual.
“You are very rich,” he ventured.
“Yes,” she replied frankly. “I’m worth $1.25 million.”
“And I’m poor,” he replied. “Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“I thought you would say no.”
“Then why did you ask me?”
He smiled.
“Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses $1.25 million.”
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office, and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window.
He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for $5,000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$5,000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.”
He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times.
The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins inside.
“Wow,” says Stanley. “That’s pretty cool.”
He looks at the desk suspiciously.
“Alright, desk. How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk suddenly goes wild.
All four legs begin banging up and down repeatedly, faster and faster, for more than five minutes.
Stanley stares in disbelief.
“Darn,” he mutters. “Where did she get all THAT money from?”
Suddenly, the desk’s legs slide apart.
Its drawers drop open.
Stanley takes one step backward.
And that’s when he realizes the magic desk may know considerably more about his marriage than he does.
——————————————————————————————————-
A Texan Farmer Goes to Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia.
There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.
The Australian proudly shows off his enormous wheat field.
“Oh!” the Texan exclaims.
“We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
The Australian nods politely.
Then they walk around the ranch for a while, and the Australian shows off his huge herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The Australian farmer simply smiles.
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan suddenly sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He points excitedly.
“And what are those?”
The Australian looks at him with an incredulous expression.
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile!
Have a great day!
A government official approaches a pig farmer one day.
The official asks, “What do you feed your pigs?”
The farmer answers, “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The official looks horrified.
“Sir, this is animal cruelty! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The next day, another official approaches the farmer.
“What do you feed your pigs?”
The farmer, remembering yesterday’s fine, quickly changes his answer.
“Oh, the pigs? Only the best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!”
The official looks horrified.
“Sir, that food is far too rich for them! They’ll get sick! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
On the third day, another official approaches the farmer.
“What do you feed your pigs?”
The farmer sighs.
“Oh, the pigs?”
He thinks for a moment.
“I give them $20 each and let them shop for themselves.”
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile!
Have a wonderful day!
———————————————————————————————————————
A Man and a Smart, Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.
This continues for an entire year.
Then, suddenly, the daily donation drops to $1.50.
“Well,” the man thinks, “it’s always better than nothing.”
Another year passes this way.
Then one day, the donation suddenly drops to $1.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar finally asks.
“First you gave me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “my eldest son went to college last year. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut my costs.”
The beggar nods.
The man continues, “This year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
The beggar thinks about this for a moment.
“And how many children do you have?”
“Four,” the man replies.
The beggar sighs.
“Well, I hope you don’t plan to educate all of them at my expense.”
Two Beggars in London
Two beggars in London, Ali and Habib, beg in different areas of the city.
Habib begs for just as long as Ali does, but he only brings home £2 or £3 every day.
Ali, however, brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and seems to have plenty of money to spend.
One day, Habib finally asks, “I work just as long and just as hard as you do. How is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?”
Ali smiles.
“Look at your sign. What does it say?”
Habib’s sign reads:
“I have no job, a wife, and six kids to support.”
Ali shakes his head.
“No wonder you only get £2 or £3.”
Habib looks puzzled.
“So what does your sign say?”
Ali proudly shows him his sign.
It reads:
“I only need another £10 to move back to my country.”
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile!
Have a wonderful day!
————————————————————————————————————————-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
One day, he finally snapped.
“I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays home,” he complained.
“I want her to know what I go through, so please, Lord, trade our bodies.”
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, and drove them to school.
He came home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to withdraw money to pay the power and telephone bills.
He drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills.
Then he went grocery shopping, came home, and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for the salad, breading the pork chops, and snapping fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m., he was exhausted.
And although his daily chores still weren’t finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to have a little romantic time with his wife—which he somehow managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he immediately knelt beside the bed.
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.”
He pleaded, “Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied,
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.”
The man smiled with relief.
Then the Lord added:
“You’ll have to wait nine months, though.”
The man froze.
“You got pregnant last night!”
=========
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher smiles.
“Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant.
The man with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts walking toward the entrance.
The bouncer at the door immediately steps in front of him.
“Sorry, mac. No pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman calmly replies, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks down at the Doberman.
“A Doberman Pinscher?”
“Yes,” the man says. “They’re using them now. They’re very good. They even protect me from robbers.”
The bouncer thinks about it.
Finally, he shrugs.
“Alright. Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua thinks, “What the heck!”
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts walking toward the entrance.
Once again, the bouncer steps in front of him.
“Sorry, pal. No pets allowed!”
The man points proudly at his Chihuahua.
“You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer stares at the tiny dog.
“A Chihuahua?”
The man looks down at the dog, then back at the bouncer.
“A Chihuahua?”
He shakes his head.
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A customer left his cell phone in my store.
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom,” and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what had happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.
I looked at the screen.
It was “Mom.”
I answered.
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.
The barman serves him.
The man drinks it and orders another.
This goes on for a while, until eventually the chap begins to slow down.
The barman notices.
“Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The chap sighs.
“I had an enormous argument with my wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month.”
The barman raises an eyebrow.
“And you’re sleeping on the sofa?”
“That’s right.”
The barman nods sympathetically.
“Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
The chap looks at his drink.
“You don’t understand.”
The barman waits.
“This is the last night.”
=====
A woman stopped at a gas station, got out of her car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be very serious thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am. Of course. Why do you need a longer one?”
She held up the dipstick and explained:
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two women were flying from Cleveland to Miami.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced:
“One of the engines has failed, and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry—we still have three engines.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced:
“One more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry—we still have two engines left.”
An hour later, the captain announced:
“One more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer.
But don’t worry—we still have one engine left.”
The cabin grew quiet.
One woman looked nervously at the other.
Finally, she whispered,
“If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
============================================
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife became so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out!”
Her husband didn’t believe her.
So he kept on smoking and drinking just as he always had.
His wife, determined to prove herself right, went out one morning and bought some large artificial intestines.
While her husband slept, she carefully placed them in his underwear.
A short while later, he woke up.
Suddenly, he let out a huge scream.
Then everything went silent.
For the next 30 minutes, there was not a sound.
Another 30 minutes passed.
Finally, he came downstairs, sweating profusely and looking terrified.
“What happened?” his wife asked innocently.
He stared at her.
“You were right!”
She widened her eyes.
“My intestines really did come out!”
She tried not to laugh.
“But don’t worry, honey,” he continued.
“After a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the signs of growing older, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy session in front of the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she finally turns to her husband.
“Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Michael looks her over carefully.
“Judging from your skin, I’d say twenty.”
She smiles.
“Your hair makes you look eighteen.”
She smiles even more.
“And your figure makes you look twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.
Just as she is about to tell Michael how much she appreciates his answer, he stops her.
“Whoa, hold on there, sweetie.”
She looks puzzled.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S. Please let us know if you’ve seen him. We’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination!”
“We’ll get Winslow’s English teacher in here,” the principal said. “I’m sure she has some explanation.”
A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the teacher. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
The father stared at her.
“That’s no excuse!” he shouted.
The teacher looked confused.
“What else could I have done?”
The father threw up his hands.
“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle
After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them what medical measures should be employed if they became severely injured.
Tom immediately spoke up.
“I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words very seriously.
When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
————————————————————————————————————————————
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking inside her purse, she suddenly frowned.
“Hmmm…that’s funny.”
The boy looked worried.
“When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied,
“That’s right, lady.”
She looked at him suspiciously.
The boy smiled.
“The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any chance for a reward.”
LOLLLL! Did you laugh?
We hope you enjoyed this joke.
Have a wonderful day!
You are loved!
====================================
First Day on the Job—and This Trainee Already Knows How to Handle the Big Boss!
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a huge corporate empire.
Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials what he thinks is the pantry.
“Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.
But—oops!
He didn’t dial the pantry.
A furious voice on the other end snaps back:
“You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”
The trainee pauses.
“No.”
The voice becomes even more irritated.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee thinks for a second.
Then he suddenly shouts back:
“And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”
The CEO, now completely confused, asks,
“No. Who?”
The trainee smiles.
“Good!”
And hangs up.
