Confused Man
“I’m scared,” Johnny said to one of his friends, his voice unusually serious. “I got a letter from a guy who said he’d break my legs if I didn’t stop seeing his wife.”
“Well,” replied his friend cautiously, “I guess you’ll have to stop seeing his wife.”
“Easy for you to say,” Johnny muttered, looking genuinely troubled.
“You like her that much?” the friend asked, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s not that,” declared Johnny. “I could stop seeing her. That isn’t what scares me.”
“Then what is it?”
Johnny swallowed hard and held up the threatening letter.
“He said he’d break my legs if I didn’t stop seeing his wife.”
“Right,” his friend said. “You already told me that.”
Johnny lowered the letter and stared at him.
“Yeah, but there’s something else.”
“What?”
Johnny’s face went pale.
“He didn’t sign his name.”
—
This guy’s wife gets a cat, and from the very beginning, he absolutely hates it. The cat follows him around the house, jumps onto his favorite chair, scratches at the doors, and seems to stare at him as though it knows exactly how much he dislikes it. His wife, naturally, adores the animal and refuses to hear a single bad word about it.
So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy finally decides he has had enough. He puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks away, and lets the cat out. He watches from the car for a moment to make sure it disappears down another street, then drives home, satisfied that the problem is finally solved.
When he gets home, the cat is sitting calmly on the front porch.
The man freezes.
He looks at the cat.
The cat looks back at him.
“Impossible,” he mutters.
The next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again. This time, he throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. He watches until it vanishes around a corner before driving home, convinced that there is no possible way the animal can find its way back.
When he gets home, the cat is sitting there again on the front porch.
The man stares at it in disbelief.
The cat casually licks one paw.
“That’s it,” the guy growls. “You’re not beating me.”
Well, the guy is furious. He spends the entire evening thinking about what to do next. If the cat can somehow find its way home from a few blocks away, then tomorrow he’ll make absolutely certain it has no chance of following him.
So the next day, he waits until his wife leaves for work, throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and as fast as he can. He takes every strange turn he can think of, doubles back, circles around unfamiliar streets, crosses through different neighborhoods, and even takes several roads he has never driven on before. He is determined to confuse the cat completely.
Finally, miles and miles from home, he pulls over, gets the cat out of the car, and lets it go.
“There,” he says triumphantly. “Good luck finding your way back now.”
He gets into the car and heads home.
But after driving for a while, his confidence begins to disappear.
The roads look unfamiliar.
He takes another turn.
Then another.
He slows down, checks the signs, and realizes he has absolutely no idea where he is.
He tries another road, but somehow it only makes things worse.
By the time afternoon arrives, the man is completely lost.
Finally, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone.
It’s her husband.
She immediately notices the panic in his voice.
“Where are you?” she asks.
There is a long silence.
Then he asks, very seriously, “Is the cat there?”
She looks toward the porch.
“Yes,” she says. “The cat’s right here.”
The guy lets out a huge sigh of relief.
“Thank goodness.”
Then he says, “I’m lost.”
There is another pause.
“Put the cat on the phone.”
—
A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week. It had been payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. One drink became another, another became several, and before he knew it, an evening out had turned into an entire weekend of partying. He only returned home late on Sunday night, fully aware that his wife’s inevitable wrath was waiting for him.
“My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said, shaking his head as his buddies laughed.
“What did she say to you?” asked one of his friends.
“Well, she just nagged me for what seemed like an eternity,” he replied. “She went on and on about responsibility, marriage, respect, and how I could possibly disappear for an entire weekend without even calling.”
His buddies chuckled.
“Then what happened?” another asked.
“Well, at one point, she stopped talking, looked straight at me, and asked how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days.”
His friends immediately became interested.
“And what did you say?” they asked.
“I told her it would be fine by me!”
The men at the table burst out laughing.
“So did she leave?” one of them asked.
“Well, no, she didn’t leave,” the man replied, taking another sip of his drink.
His buddies looked confused.
“Then what happened?”
The man slowly shook his head.
“But the joke’s on her.”
“How?”
He leaned forward, lowered his voice, and said, “On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit.”
