A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work, practically jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy, but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. For a few seconds, the two of them bounced around the driveway like children, while he tried desperately to figure out what could possibly have made her this excited.
She finally laughed and said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
He grinned and replied, “Great! Tell me what you’re so happy about!”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down. Then, with a huge smile on her face, she announced, “I’m pregnant!”
For a moment, he simply stared at her in disbelief. Then his face lit up, and he pulled her into his arms, kissed her, and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
She smiled even wider, as if she had been waiting for that reaction. Then she suddenly raised one finger and said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”
He looked at her curiously and asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”
She took a dramatic breath and said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
He stood there completely amazed. “Twins? How do you know that already? You only just found out you were pregnant!”
She smiled proudly and said, “Well, that was the easy part.”
He leaned closer, waiting for some incredible explanation.
She said, “I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN-PACK home pregnancy test kit, and BOTH tests came out positive!”
The husband stared at her for several seconds, trying to decide whether she was joking. Finally, he burst out laughing, realizing that her excitement had completely outrun her understanding of how pregnancy tests actually worked.
And that should have been the end of the story.
But sometimes, one silly misunderstanding is all it takes to remind you that the funniest part of life is often what people believe is perfectly logical.
The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting the country’s armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand-new F-15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers walked up to them.
The chief of staff stuck out his hand, introduced himself, and studied the two young men for a moment. They looked almost identical, but there was something about the way each carried himself that made the general curious.
He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man stood a little taller and confidently replied, “I’m a pilot.”
The general’s eyes lit up. He immediately turned to his aide and said, “Get him in today. All the paperwork done, everything. Do it!”
The aide hurried over and escorted the young man away while the general watched with satisfaction. He then turned toward the second twin, apparently expecting another impressive answer.
The general asked, “And what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The second young man calmly replied, “I chop wood.”
The general stared at him for a moment, apparently convinced he had misheard.
“Son,” the general replied, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force. This is the 20th century!”
The young man shrugged and said, “Well, you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” said the general. “He’s a pilot!”
The young man rolled his eyes, looked toward the brand-new fighter jet, and said, “You’re not getting it.”
The general frowned. “Getting what?”
The young man pointed toward his brother, who was already being processed by the recruiting staff.
“I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
For a second, the general said nothing.
Then he slowly turned toward his aide.
The aide looked back at him.
And somewhere behind them, the twin pilot was already wondering why everyone was suddenly staring at him.
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she had managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was calmly applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. The sight was so bizarre that the officer nearly forgot to check whether she was injured.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine,” the blond chirped, carefully touching up her lipstick as though she were sitting in front of her bathroom mirror.
The officer looked at her, then at the mangled vehicle, and then back at her.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” he asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blond began. “I was driving along this road when, from out of nowhere, this TREE pops up in front of me.”
The trooper slowly glanced down the empty road.
“So I swerved to the right,” she continued, “and there was another tree!”
The officer’s eyebrows rose.
“I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!”
She shook her head in disbelief at the memory.
“I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another one!”
The officer stared at her, becoming increasingly puzzled.
“I swerved to the right, then I swerved to the left, and there was…”
“Uh, ma’am?” the officer interrupted, raising a hand.
She stopped.
The trooper looked down the road again, then at the completely destroyed car.
“There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles.”
The blond blinked.
The officer pointed toward the inside of the car.
“That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
The blond slowly turned toward the dangling air freshener.
For a long moment, neither of them said anything.
Then she looked back at the officer, still holding her lipstick.
“Well,” she said quietly, “that explains a lot.”
The trooper sighed and reached for his notepad.
At least, he thought, she had finally figured out what she had been swerving to avoid.
Now he just had to figure out how to explain to her why there was no tree anywhere near the road.
