Old Mr. Higgins had run the local pharmacy for forty years, and he had a special “ritual” for the local college students who came in to buy condoms. He didn’t just sell them; he treated every transaction like a high-stakes tactical mission.
One Friday night, a nervous freshman named Leo shuffled up to the counter with a three-pack of “Extra Sensitive” and set them down like he was handling live plutonium.
Higgins peered over his spectacles, looked at the box, then looked at Leo. He sighed deeply and picked up the store intercom.
“PLUMBING DEPARTMENT,” he boomed, his voice echoing through the aisles. “I NEED A STATUS REPORT ON THE EMERGENCY LEAK PREVENTION KIT!”
The entire store went silent. Leo turned the color of a fire extinguisher.
Higgins leaned over the counter and whispered, “Relax, son. Just making sure the inventory is up to code. Now, do you want the ‘Standard’ or the ‘Extended Warranty’?”
“The… the what?” Leo stammered.
Higgins pulled a giant bottle of baby aspirin from under the counter.
“The Extended Warranty,” Higgins deadpanned. “If these fail, come back in nine months and I’ll give you a 10% discount on the aspirin. You’re gonna need it for the headaches, the crying, and the inevitable realization that your gaming career is over.”
Leo handed over a twenty-dollar bill and told him to keep the change.
As Leo bolted for the door, Higgins shouted after him, “GOOD LUCK, SOLDIER! REMEMBER: TARGET ACQUIRED, BUT DEPLOYMENT IS AT YOUR OWN RISK!”
Higgins turned to the elderly woman next in line. “Next! Oh, hello Mrs. Gable. Need your blood pressure meds?”
Mrs. Gable blinked. “I think I need them more after watching that, Higgins.”
