A drunk guy gets pulled over. The officer starts putting him through a series of sobriety tests. The man is clearly struggling, but the officer remains determined to find a test he can actually pass.
Finally, the officer sighs and says, “If you can pass this last test, I’ll let you go. Use the words green, pink, and yellow in one sentence.”
The drunk man thinks for a moment, then proudly replies, “My phone went green, and I pinked it up and said, ‘Yellow.’”
He smiles at the officer and adds, “Have a nice day, officer!”
A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He walks up to the driver’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man shakes his head. “Sorry, officer. I can’t do that. I’m asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine,” sighs the officer. “Then I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I’m a hemophiliac,” the man replies. “If I give blood, I could bleed to death.”
The officer rubs his forehead. “Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer. I can’t do that either. I’m diabetic. If I do that, my blood sugar will get really low.”
The officer stares at him for several seconds before finally saying, “All right. Then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
The man looks at him seriously and says, “Because I’m too drunk.”
A police officer responded to a report of a disturbance at a downtown restaurant.
The “disturbance” turned out to be a man well over six feet tall who weighed almost 300 pounds. The giant was loudly boasting that he could whip the police officer and even the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World.
The officer studied him for a moment and calmly said, “I bet you’re also an escape artist—probably better than Houdini.”
The giant nodded proudly.
“If I had some chains,” the officer continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. Unfortunately, all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs.”
The officer held them up.
“Why don’t we see just how quickly you can break out of these?”
The giant eagerly agreed. Once the cuffs were secured, he puffed, pulled, twisted, and jerked for four exhausting minutes.
Finally, he stopped.
“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.
“Are you sure?” the officer asked innocently.
The fellow tried again with all his strength.
“Nope,” he finally admitted. “I can’t do it.”
“In that case,” said the officer, reaching for his notebook, “you’re under arrest.”
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris.
The officer politely explained, “Ma’am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.”
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris in disbelief.
“Lost? You’ve been going to that park for 30 years! How did you get lost today?”
Grandpa Morris waited until the officer had stepped away, then leaned toward his wife and whispered, “I wasn’t lost.”
Grandma Bessie frowned.
“Then what happened?”
He sighed.
“I was just too tired to walk home.”
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks. The officer says sternly, “Sir, you can’t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!”
The old man nods, agrees, and drives away.
The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck, still packed with ducks. But this time, every single duck is wearing sunglasses.
Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again.
“I thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!”
The old man grins and replies, “I did!”
The officer points angrily at the ducks.
“Then why are they all wearing sunglasses?”
The old man shrugs.
“Because now the little rascals want to go to the beach!”
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud. He heads to a corner and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn. Once he’s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more.
Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, “You know, beer goes flat pretty quickly after it’s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.”
The cowboy smiles and explains, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got two brothers—one in Arizona and the other in Colorado.
“When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we’d each have one for the others, just like we did back home. So I’m drinking for my brothers and myself.”
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves it at that. The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.
One day, however, he walks into the bar and orders only two mugs. The regulars notice immediately, and the entire place seems to go quiet.
When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in and says, “I’m sorry for your loss. I just wanted to offer my condolences.”
The cowboy looks confused for a moment.
Then he bursts out laughing.
“Oh, no, no one’s passed away!” he chuckles. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking.”
He raises his glass and smiles.
“But my brothers are still going strong!”
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile. Have a wonderful day!
An Old Cowboy Gets Three Wishes
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when suddenly he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
With what little strength he has left, he crawls toward it, digs around the object, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.
He opens it.
Suddenly, out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress.
There is a calculator in her pocketbook and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, old cowboy,” says the genie, “you know how this works. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the old man suspiciously. “I’m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose?” the genie asks. “You have no transportation, no water, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The old man thinks about this for a minute and reluctantly decides the genie has a point.
“Fine. First wish.”
Shazam!
“I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.”
Shazam!
The old cowboy is suddenly sitting in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and enormous platters of delicious food.
The genie smiles.
“Okay, old boy. What’s your second wish?”
“My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
Shazam!
The old man is suddenly surrounded by treasure chests overflowing with rare gold coins and sparkling precious gems.
“Okay, cowpuncher,” says the genie. “You just have one wish left. Better make it a good one.”
The old man thinks for several minutes.
Finally, he smiles.
“I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
Shazam!
He is turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s probably going to be a string attached.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
How much money did I have? Puzzles can come in many “flavors.” Today, there are millions to pick from online.
They can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions—and even classic old riddles. Riddles are very popular, so here comes one.
How Much Money Did I Have?
The riddle says:
“I had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars.
My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars. I had another 5 dollars. How much money did I have?”
We’ll reveal the correct answer below.
A
B
C
Here is the correct answer.
Have you come up with an answer? Take a deep breath and concentrate. The answer might be easier than you think.
Maybe there is something in the wording that you’re missing?
After the picture below, you can see whether you got the right solution.
The answer is 18 dollars.
There is a clue hidden in the question. It asks how much money you “DID” have. In other words, it is asking how much money you already had, not how much money you received from everyone else.
Therefore, you had 13 dollars and another 5 dollars originally, which adds up to 18 dollars.
Clever, right?
Sometimes you really do have to think outside the box to come up with the answer.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They’ve been married for 55 years.
The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they’re both sipping lukewarm tea while watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard.
Out of the blue, Edna sighs and says, “Bert, let’s talk about our bucket lists.”
Bert raises an eyebrow.
“Bucket lists? Edna, I’m 87. My list is down to ‘wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.’”
Edna chuckles.
“No, I’m serious. Before we go, we should each do something we’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.”
Bert thinks for a moment.
“All right, fine. I’ve always wanted to go skydiving.”
Edna’s eyes widen.
“Skydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.”
Bert shrugs.
“Well, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden. I’ve always wanted to haunt him.”
They laugh, and Edna nods.
“Okay, okay. You go skydiving. I’ll do mine too.”
Bert squints.
“And what’s yours?”
Edna suddenly gets a mischievous sparkle in her eye—the same one she had back in 1965 when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out the car window during an argument.
“I’ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.”
Bert gulps.
“Confess what?”
Edna leans closer and whispers, “You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?”
Bert nods.
“Yeah. I blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.”
Edna smiles.
“Well, it was me. I jammed a spatula into the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in ’89.”
Bert gasps.
“You monster!”
Edna giggles.
“And remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark Channel, no matter what button you pressed?”
Bert blinks.
“You said it was haunted!”
Edna smirks.
“Nope. I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it. You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.”
Bert’s mouth drops open.
“Why would you do that?!”
Edna calmly sips her tea.
“Because payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.”
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing.
“You know what, Edna? I’ve got a confession too.”
“Oh?” she says.
“You remember my ‘fishing trips’ every Saturday for ten years?”
Edna narrows her eyes.
“You don’t fish.”
“I know,” Bert says proudly. “I was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies.”
Edna stares at him.
“Where are they?”
“Hidden behind the water heater in the basement.”
Edna’s eyes widen.
“You mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!”
They both burst into laughter.
And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they now go bowling together—mostly to keep an eye on each other.
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car accident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Thanks to the wife’s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had been in excellent shape for the last decade.
St. Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion—complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table.
“Wow!” the husband exclaimed. “How much does this cost?”
“Nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is Heaven. Everything is free!”
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world’s most elite greens.
“Incredible!” the wife said. “And the green fees?”
“Free,” St. Peter chuckled.
“This is Heaven.”
Then they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast—Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream.
The husband, still skeptical, asked, “Okay…but how much?”
“Sir, for the last time—FREE. This is Heaven!”
The husband hesitated.
“Well…do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?”
St. Peter laughed.
“In Heaven, you’ll never gain weight or get sick. Eat whatever you want!”
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.
“What’s wrong?” his wife asked, confused.
He pointed at her and yelled, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”
She stared at him.
“What did I do?”
“If it weren’t for your damn bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!”
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile. Have a wonderful day!
Little Johnny failed his math test.
Father: “Why did you fail your mathematics test?”
Johnny: “On Monday, the teacher said 3 + 5 = 8.”
Father: “So?”
Johnny: “On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.”
Father: “And?”
Johnny: “On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.”
He pauses dramatically.
“If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know which answer is right?”
==================================
Benjamin was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years, he was notified that his uncle from Ludhiana had died and left him more than $50,000.
Benjamin was thrilled when the warden told him the money would be placed in trust until he was released. The warden asked if there was anything he wanted to buy before the money was tied up.
Benjamin said he had read a lot about computers and wanted one.
The warden agreed and got him a brand-new Compaq computer.
After a few weeks, the warden visited Benjamin in his cell to see how he was doing.
To his amazement, he saw the computer smashed across the floor.
The warden stared at him.
“What happened?”
Benjamin sighed.
“It didn’t work right, and I got mad.”
The warden asked, “What did you want the computer to do?”
Benjamin said he wanted just one thing from it.
“One simple task, and it couldn’t do it.”
“What task?” the warden asked.
Benjamin pointed at the broken keyboard and said, “I hit the Escape key, and nothing happened. I hit the key again, and still nothing happened.”
He paused.
“I’m still here.”
Then Benjamin nodded toward the computer.
“I think I’m going to sue Compaq.”
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
The Right Answer
The teacher said, “I’ll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The teacher smiled.
“Sorry, Sean. That’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, but that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher smiled.
“That’s absolutely right, Maurice. Come up here and I’ll give you two dollars.”
As the teacher handed Maurice his money, she said, “You know, Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ.”
Maurice quietly replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses.”
He pocketed the money.
“But business is business.”
The woman was very rich, and the man was poor but honest.
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it. One night, he had been a little more tender than usual.
“You are very rich,” he ventured.
“Yes,” she replied frankly. “I’m worth $1.25 million.”
“And I’m poor,” he replied. “Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“I thought you would say no.”
“Then why did you ask me?”
“Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses $1.25 million.”
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office when he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window.
He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for $5,000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$5,000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.”
He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times.
The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins inside.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stanley.
“All right, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for more than five minutes.
Stanley stares in disbelief.
“Darn,” he whispers. “Where did she get all that money?”
Suddenly, the desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop open.
——————————————————————————————————-
A Texan Farmer Goes to Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia. There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.
The Australian proudly shows off his enormous wheat field.
The Texan looks around and says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
They continue walking around the ranch, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The Australian farmer begins to look slightly annoyed.
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He points and asks, “And what are those?”
The Australian responds with an incredulous look.
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile. Have a wonderful day!
A government man approaches a pig farmer one day and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers, “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The man is shocked.
“Sir, this is animal cruelty! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer replies, “Oh, the pigs? Only the best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!”
The man is shocked again.
“Sir, the food is far too rich for them. They’ll get sick! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
On the third day, another man approaches the farmer.
Once again, he asks, “What do you feed your pigs?”
The farmer looks exhausted.
“Oh, the pigs?”
He sighs.
“I give them 20 bucks each and let them shop for themselves.”
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile. Have a wonderful day!
———————————————————————————————————————
A Man and a Smart, Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2, and that continues for a year.
Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50.
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s always better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.
Finally, the beggar can’t resist asking.
“What’s going on now? First you give me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “my eldest son went to college last year. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut my costs.”
The beggar nods.
“This year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” asks the beggar.
“Four,” the man replies.
The beggar looks at him thoughtfully.
“Well,” he says, “I hope you don’t plan to educate all of them at my expense.”
Two Beggars in London
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Ali does but only gets £2 to £3 every day.
Ali, however, brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and always seems to have plenty of money to spend.
Habib finally asks him, “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?”
Ali smiles.
“Look at your sign. What does it say?”
Habib’s sign reads:
“I have no job, a wife, and six kids to support.”
Ali nods.
“No wonder you only get £2 or £3.”
Habib looks annoyed.
“So what does your sign say?”
Ali proudly shows him his sign.
It reads:
“I only need another £10 to move back to my country.”
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile. Have a wonderful day!
————————————————————————————————————————-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
One day, he finally snapped and complained, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank to withdraw money to pay the power and telephone bills, drove to the power company and phone company, paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home, and put away the groceries.
Then he cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
By 1 p.m., he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep, and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
He set out cookies and milk, got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched television while he did the ironing.
At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breading the pork chops, and snapping fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m., he was exhausted.
And although his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to have a “great time” with his wife—which he somehow managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt beside the bed.
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.”
He bowed his head.
“Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I’ll be happy to change things back to the way they were.”
The man smiled with relief.
Then God added:
“You’ll have to wait nine months, though.”
There was a long silence.
“You got pregnant last night!”
=========
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks at the huge Doberman.
“A Doberman Pinscher?”
“Yes,” the man answers confidently. “They’re using them now. They’re very good and even protect me from robbers.”
The man at the door shrugs.
“Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck!”
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again, the bouncer stops him.
“Sorry, pal. No pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks down at the tiny Chihuahua.
“A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua looks genuinely offended.
“A Chihuahua?”
He pauses.
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A customer left his cell phone in my store.
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom,” and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what had happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.
It was “Mom.”
There was a brief pause.
Then she said, “Martin, you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.
The barman serves him.
The man drinks it and orders another.
This continues for a while until the chap begins to slow down.
The barman notices and asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The chap sighs.
“I had an enormous argument with my wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month, and I have to sleep on the sofa.”
The barman shakes his head.
“Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
The chap takes another sip.
“You don’t understand.”
The barman raises an eyebrow.
“This is the last night.”
=====
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be extremely serious thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am. Of course. Why do you need a longer one?”
She looked completely serious.
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, “One of the engines has failed, and the flight will be an hour longer.
“But don’t worry. We still have three engines.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer.
“But don’t worry. We still have two engines left.”
An hour later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer.
“But don’t worry. We still have one engine left.”
There was a long silence.
One blonde looked at the other and said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
============================================
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife became so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he continued smoking and drinking just as he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right.
One morning, while he was sleeping, she went out and bought some large intestines.
She carefully stuffed them into his underwear and waited.
A short while later, he woke up.
He looked down.
Then came a huge scream.
And then…silence.
For the next 30 minutes, he didn’t say a word.
Another 30 minutes passed.
Finally, he came downstairs, sweating profusely.
His wife tried to keep a straight face.
“What happened?”
He stared at her in horror.
“You were right! My intestines did come out!”
She struggled not to laugh.
“But don’t worry, honey,” he continued. “After a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Michael looks her over carefully.
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.
Just as she is about to tell Michael what his reward will be, he stops her.
“Whoa, hold on there, sweetie…”
She smiles.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S. Please let us know if you’ve seen him. We’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”
“We’ll get Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation,” the principal said.
A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a completely blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
“That’s no excuse!” shouted the father.
The teacher stared at him.
“What exactly should I have given him?”
The father paused.
Then he said, “You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle
After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed if they became severely injured.
Tom spoke up.
“I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart.
When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
——————————————————————————————————————————
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
Fortunately, it was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…that’s funny.”
She counted the money.
“When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady.”
The woman looked at him suspiciously.
The boy smiled innocently.
“The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any chance of getting a reward.”
LOLLLL! Did you laugh? We hope you enjoyed this joke. Have a wonderful day!
You are loved!
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First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss!
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a huge corporate empire.
Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials what he thinks is the pantry.
“Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.
But—oops!
He didn’t dial the pantry.
A voice on the other end snaps back, “You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”
The trainee pauses.
“No,” he replies.
The voice on the other end huffs, “It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee thinks for a second.
Then he shouts back, “And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”
The CEO, now completely confused, asks, “No. Who?”
The trainee calmly replies:
“Good!”
And hangs up.
