Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
“Only one calorie per can,” she read aloud. .. ..
The two of them stared at the glasses in complete silence, each carefully studying the tiny bubbles rising to the top as though the answer might suddenly reveal itself.
One blonde slowly pushed her glass away.
“What are you doing?” asked the other.
“I’m waiting to see which one is safer.”
. “Hmm,” murmured the other blonde. “I wonder which glass has the calorie?”
The first blonde squinted suspiciously at her drink.
“Mine looks heavier.”
The second blonde gasped softly and swapped glasses before either of them could take a sip.
They both sat there for another full minute, too nervous to drink either one.
Finally, the waitress walked past and asked, “Ladies, is everything okay?”
One blonde nodded seriously.
“We’re trying to avoid the calorie.”
The waitress looked at the untouched glasses, sighed deeply, and muttered, “Good luck finding it.”
========================
Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke.
Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.
By midnight the bar had thinned out. Chairs were stacked upside down on nearby tables, and the neon beer sign flickered faintly in the corner. Still, the man sat there staring into his glass like it contained the secrets of the universe.
Barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
Chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
The barman nodded sympathetically and leaned on the counter.
“That sounds rough.”
Chap took another slow sip and sighed dramatically.
Barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night.
Nip it in the bud.”
The man looked up with genuine sadness in his eyes.
Chap says, “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”
The barman blinked.
“The last night?”
The chap nodded miserably.
“Tomorrow morning she starts talking again.”
For a moment the entire bar went silent.
Then the barman burst out laughing so hard he nearly dropped a glass.
======================================
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil. After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
The attendant watched cautiously as she approached. She looked deeply concerned, like someone carrying terrible news.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?”
The attendant expected something complicated involving engine trouble.
Instead, the blonde held up the dipstick with complete confidence.
…
.. .
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
The attendant stared at her for several seconds, trying to decide whether she was joking.
She wasn’t.
Trying to help, he pointed toward the engine.
“Ma’am… the stick already reached the oil. That’s why there’s oil on the end.”
The blonde looked down at the dipstick, then back at the car.
Her eyes widened in amazement.
“Oh!”
The attendant smiled, relieved the misunderstanding was over.
Then she added quietly:
“So the oil comes up to meet it?”
The attendant removed his cap, rubbed his forehead, and walked silently back inside the station while another customer nearly fell over laughing beside the pumps.
