A wife was with her lover when she suddenly heard her husband\u2019s key turning in the front door. The lover froze in panic, his face going pale as footsteps stumbled down the hallway. \u201cStay where you are,\u201d she whispered urgently. \u201cHe\u2019s so drunk he won\u2019t even notice you\u2019re with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sure enough, the husband lurched into the bedroom, barely able to keep his eyes open. He collapsed onto the bed, mumbled something incoherent, and seemed completely unaware of anything unusual. The wife breathed a quiet sigh of relief. But a few minutes later, through the thick drunken haze, the husband slowly opened his eyes and stared toward the end of the bed. His expression suddenly changed.<\/p>\n
He turned to his wife and said, \u201cHey, there are six feet sticking out at the end of this bed. There should only be four. What\u2019s going on?!?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNonsense,\u201d said the wife, trying desperately to sound calm. \u201cYou\u2019re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.\u201d<\/p>\n
The husband groaned, rolled out of bed, and stumbled toward the foot of it. He squinted at the legs sticking out and began counting carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne, two, three, four. Oh, okay. You were right.\u201d<\/p>\n
The wife smiled with relief, certain the danger had passed. The lover, meanwhile, remained perfectly still, silently thanking every bit of luck he had left. Neither of them realized that the husband\u2019s drunkenness had just saved them from an awkward explanation\u2014and possibly something much worse.<\/p>\n
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it, hoping to spot some fish below. As he does so, a loud voice suddenly echoes from above, startling him. \u201cThere are no fish down there.\u201d<\/p>\n
The fisherman looks around, confused, but assumes someone must be playing a joke on him. So he walks several yards away, stomps his feet to warm them, and drills another hole.<\/p>\n
As he peers into it, he again hears the same voice say, \u201cThere\u2019s no fish down there.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now the fisherman is getting suspicious. He looks around at the empty frozen rink, scratches his head, and decides perhaps he simply chose the wrong spot. So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole. Once again, before he can even finish looking into the water, the voice booms out, \u201cThere\u2019s no fish down there.\u201d<\/p>\n
The fisherman looks up toward the sky and asks nervously, \u201cGod, is that you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you idiot,\u201d says the voice. \u201cIt\u2019s the rink manager. You\u2019re drilling holes in the hockey rink!\u201d<\/p>\n
A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. The officer approaches the driver\u2019s window, already suspicious, and notices that the man is struggling to sit up straight.<\/p>\n
He goes up to the guy\u2019s window and says, \u201cSir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man looks nervous and says, \u201cSorry, officer, I can\u2019t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I\u2019ll have a really bad asthma attack.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, fine,\u201d sighs the officer, beginning to lose patience. \u201cI need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t do that either. I am a hemophiliac,\u201d says the man solemnly. \u201cIf I do that, I\u2019ll bleed to death.\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer stares at him for a moment, then takes a deep breath. \u201cWell, then we need a urine sample.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, officer, I can\u2019t do that either.\u201d<\/p>\n
By now, the officer is visibly frustrated. \u201cAnd why not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am also a diabetic. If I do that, I\u2019ll get really low blood sugar.\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer rubs his forehead, wondering how one driver could possibly have every medical condition imaginable. Finally, he points toward the road and says, \u201cAll right, then. I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man immediately shakes his head. \u201cI can\u2019t do that, officer.\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer throws his hands up in frustration. \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man looks him straight in the eye, pauses dramatically, and finally gives him the one answer that explains everything.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I\u2019m too drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A wife was with her lover when she suddenly heard her husband\u2019s key turning in the front door. The lover froze in panic, his face going pale as footsteps stumbled down the hallway. \u201cStay where you are,\u201d she whispered urgently. \u201cHe\u2019s so drunk he won\u2019t even notice you\u2019re with me.\u201d Sure enough, the husband lurched […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":34760,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34759","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-tales"],"yoast_head":"\n