Two old men decide they are getting close to their last days and decide to have one final night on the town. After a few drinks, they somehow end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, \u201cGo upstairs to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.<\/p>\n
These two are so old and drunk, I\u2019m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won\u2019t know the difference.\u201d<\/p>\n
The manager does exactly as she is told, and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. A little while later, they come back downstairs, pay their bill, and begin the long walk home.<\/p>\n
As they are walking along the quiet street, the first man suddenly says, \u201cYou know, I think my girl was dead!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDead?\u201d his friend asks. \u201cWhy would you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, she never moved or made a sound the entire time I was with her.\u201d<\/p>\n
His friend scratches his head and replies, \u201cThat\u2019s strange. I think mine was a witch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA witch? Why would you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted, flew straight out the window, and disappeared into the night!\u201d<\/p>\n
Two drunks enter a hotel late at night.<\/p>\n
They stagger up to the night clerk, and one of them says, \u201cCould you please give us a bed with two rooms?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean a room with two beds?\u201d asks the clerk.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever, whatever you say,\u201d the drunk replies.<\/p>\n
So the clerk gives them a key, and somehow they manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling with the key for nearly ten minutes, they finally get the door open.<\/p>\n
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them, leaving them in total darkness. They slowly make their way forward, and both of them fall onto the nearest bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cAhhh,\u201d says one of them. \u201cNow we can finally get some sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
But as they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey! There\u2019s somebody in my bed!\u201d one of them shouts.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s somebody in my bed too!\u201d the other replies. \u201cLet\u2019s get rid of them!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe paid for this room, and we\u2019re going to sleep in these beds!\u201d says the first.<\/p>\n
They immediately begin a tremendous struggle. They shove, push, wrestle, and heave until eventually one of them manages to throw the other person out of the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cALL RIGHT!\u201d he shouts triumphantly. \u201cI\u2019ve thrown mine off the bed!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re lucky,\u201d says the other. \u201cI got thrown off too, but I\u2019m too tired to fight anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, never mind,\u201d says the first. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just come and share my bed? Let\u2019s get some sleep around here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie\u2019s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris. The officer politely explained, \u201cMa\u2019am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn\u2019t find his way home.\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris in disbelief.<\/p>\n
\u201cLost? You\u2019ve been going to that park for 30 years! How did you get lost today?\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandpa Morris leaned in close so the officer couldn\u2019t hear and whispered, \u201cI wasn\u2019t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.\u201d<\/p>\n
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks.<\/p>\n
The officer says sternly, \u201cSir, you can\u2019t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man nods, agrees, and drives away. The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck, still overflowing with ducks\u2014but this time, every single duck is wearing sunglasses.<\/p>\n
Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again and exclaims, \u201cI thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man grins and replies, \u201cI did! But now the little rascals want to go to the beach!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of beer.<\/p>\n
He heads to a corner table and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, rotating between them. Once he\u2019s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more. Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, \u201cYou know, beer goes flat pretty quickly after it\u2019s poured.<\/p>\n
It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy smiles and explains, \u201cWell, here\u2019s the thing. I\u2019ve got two brothers\u2014one in Arizona and the other in Colorado. When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we\u2019d each have one for the others, just like we did back home.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I\u2019m drinking for my brothers and myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves him alone. The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.<\/p>\n
One day, though, he walks into the bar and orders only two mugs.<\/p>\n
The regulars notice immediately. The room grows strangely quiet, and the bartender cautiously approaches him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss,\u201d the bartender says. \u201cI just wanted to offer my condolences.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy looks confused for a moment, then suddenly bursts out laughing.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, no, no one\u2019s passed away!\u201d he chuckles. \u201cIt\u2019s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking. But my brothers are still going strong!\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL!!<\/p>\n
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a nice day!!<\/p>\n
An Old Cowboy Gets Three Wishes<\/strong><\/p>\n A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.<\/p>\n He\u2019s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when suddenly he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. With the last of his strength, he crawls toward it, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.<\/p>\n He opens it\u2014and out pops a genie.<\/p>\n But this is no ordinary genie. She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There is a calculator in her pocketbook.<\/p>\n She even has a pencil tucked behind one ear.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, old cowboy,\u201d says the genie. \u201cYou know how this works. You have three wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not falling for this,\u201d says the old man.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you have to lose?\u201d the genie asks. \u201cYou have no transportation, no water, and it looks like you\u2019re a goner anyway!\u201d<\/p>\n The old man thinks about this for a minute and finally decides the genie has a point.<\/p>\n \u201cFine,\u201d he says. \u201cLet\u2019s see what happens.\u201d<\/p>\n Shazam!<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.\u201d<\/p>\n Shazam!<\/p>\n The old cowboy suddenly finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by sparkling water, jugs of wine, and enormous platters of delicious food.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, old boy,\u201d says the genie. \u201cWhat\u2019s your second wish?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n Shazam!<\/p>\n The old man is suddenly surrounded by treasure chests overflowing with rare gold coins, diamonds, and precious gems.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, cowpuncher,\u201d says the genie. \u201cYou have just one wish left. Better make it a good one!\u201d<\/p>\n The old man thinks for several minutes. Finally, he smiles.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.\u201d<\/p>\n Shazam!<\/p>\n The old cowboy is turned into a tampon.<\/p>\n Moral of the story:<\/p>\n If the government offers you anything, there\u2019s always going to be a string attached.<\/p>\n +\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n How Much Money Did I Have?<\/strong><\/p>\n Puzzles come in many \u201cflavors.\u201d Today, there are millions to choose from online. They can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions\u2014and even classic old riddles.<\/p>\n Riddles are especially popular, so here comes one of those deceptively simple questions that can make you second-guess yourself.<\/p>\n The question is:<\/p>\n How Much Money Did I Have?<\/p>\n The riddle says:<\/p>\n \u201cI had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars. My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars.<\/p>\n I had another 5 dollars. How much money did I have?\u201d<\/p>\n We\u2019ll reveal the correct answer below.<\/p>\n A<\/p>\n B<\/p>\n C<\/p>\n Here is the correct answer.<\/p>\n Have you come up with an answer? Take a deep breath and concentrate. The answer might be much easier than you think. Maybe there is something hidden in the wording of the question that you\u2019re overlooking.<\/p>\n After the picture below, you can see whether you got the right solution.<\/p>\n The answer is **18 dollars**.<\/p>\n The clue is in the question itself. It asks how much money you **\u201cdid\u201d** have.<\/p>\n That means it is asking how much money you already had\u2014not how much money you received from your parents and relatives.<\/p>\n Therefore, you had 13 dollars originally, plus another 5 dollars that you already had with you.<\/p>\n 13 + 5 = 18 dollars.<\/p>\n Clever, right?<\/p>\n Sometimes the hardest part of a riddle isn\u2019t the mathematics. It\u2019s noticing exactly what the question is asking.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They\u2019ve been married for 55 years. The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they\u2019re both sipping lukewarm tea while watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard.<\/p>\n Out of the blue, Edna sighs and says, \u201cBert, let\u2019s talk about our bucket lists.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert raises an eyebrow. \u201cBucket lists? Edna, I\u2019m 87.<\/p>\n \u201cMy list is down to \u2018wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Edna chuckles. \u201cNo, I\u2019m serious. Before we go, we should each do something we\u2019ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert thinks for a moment.<\/p>\n \u201cAlright, fine. I\u2019ve always wanted to go skydiving.\u201d<\/p>\n Edna\u2019s eyes widen. \u201cSkydiving?!<\/p>\n \u201cBert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert shrugs. \u201cWell, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor\u2019s garden. I\u2019ve always wanted to haunt him.\u201d<\/p>\n They laugh, and Edna nods.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, okay. You go skydiving. I\u2019ll do mine too.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert squints.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd what\u2019s yours?\u201d<\/p>\n Edna suddenly gets a mischievous sparkle in her eye\u2014the same one she had back in 1965 when she \u201caccidentally\u201d dropped Bert\u2019s bowling trophy out the car window during an argument.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert gulps.<\/p>\n \u201cConfess what?\u201d<\/p>\n Edna leans closer and whispers, \u201cYou know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?\u201d<\/p>\n Bert nods.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. I blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n Edna smiles.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it was me.<\/p>\n \u201cI jammed a spatula in the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in \u201989.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert gasps.<\/p>\n \u201cYou monster!\u201d<\/p>\n Edna giggles.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark Channel, no matter what button you pressed?\u201d<\/p>\n Bert blinks.<\/p>\n \u201cYou said it was haunted!\u201d<\/p>\n Edna smirks.<\/p>\n \u201cNope. I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.\u201d<\/p>\n Bert\u2019s mouth drops open.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy would you do that?!\u201d<\/p>\n Edna calmly sips her tea.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.\u201d<\/p>\n After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing and says, \u201cYou know what, Edna?<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got a confession too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh?\u201d she says. \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou remember my \u2018fishing trips\u2019 every Saturday for ten years?\u201d<\/p>\n Edna narrows her eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t fish.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d Bert says proudly.<\/p>\n \u201cI was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies. They\u2019re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.\u201d<\/p>\n Edna stares at him in disbelief.<\/p>\n \u201cYou mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!\u201d<\/p>\n They both burst into laughter.<\/p>\n And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they went bowling together\u2014mostly to keep an eye on each other.<\/p>\n An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car accident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.<\/p>\n Thanks to the wife\u2019s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had been in great shape for the last decade. St. Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion\u2014complete with a huge bedroom, a Jacuzzi, a gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table.<\/p>\n \u201cWow! How much does this cost?\u201d the husband asked.<\/p>\n \u201cNothing,\u201d St. Peter replied. \u201cThis is Heaven\u2014everything is free!\u201d<\/p>\n Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to resemble the world\u2019s most elite greens.<\/p>\n \u201cIncredible!\u201d the wife said.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd the green fees?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFree,\u201d St. Peter chuckled. \u201cThis is Heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n Then they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast\u2014Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight out of a dream.<\/p>\n The husband, still skeptical, asked, \u201cOkay\u2026but how much?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSir, for the last time\u2026FREE. This is Heaven!\u201d<\/p>\n The husband hesitated.<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2026do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?\u201d<\/p>\n St. Peter laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cIn Heaven, you\u2019ll never gain weight or get sick. Eat whatever you want!\u201d<\/p>\n Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d his wife asked, completely confused.<\/p>\n He pointed at her and yelled, \u201cTHIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If it weren\u2019t for your damn bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!\u201d<\/p>\n LOL!!<\/p>\n Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n Little Johnny failed his math test.<\/p>\n Father: \u201cWhy did you fail your mathematics test?\u201d<\/p>\n Johnny: \u201cOn Monday, the teacher said 3 + 5 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n Father: \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n Johnny: \u201cOn Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n Father: \u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n Johnny: \u201cOn Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u2026<\/p>\n .. .<\/p>\n Johnny shakes his head.<\/p>\n \u201cIf she can\u2019t make up her mind, how am I supposed to know which answer is right?\u201d<\/p>\n ==================================<\/p>\n Benjamin was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years, he was notified that his uncle from Ludhiana had died and left him more than $50,000.<\/p>\n Benjamin was thrilled when the warden told him that the money would be placed in trust until he was released.<\/p>\n The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before the money was locked away.<\/p>\n Benjamin thought for a moment.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve read a lot about computers,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019d really like a computer.\u201d<\/p>\n The warden agreed.<\/p>\n \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n A few days later, Benjamin received a brand-new Compaq computer.<\/p>\n After a few weeks, the warden visited him in his cell to see how he was doing.<\/p>\n To his amazement, he found the computer smashed to pieces on the floor.<\/p>\n The warden stared at the wreckage.<\/p>\n \u201cBenjamin! What happened?\u201d<\/p>\n Benjamin looked furious.<\/p>\n \u201cIt didn\u2019t work right! I got mad!\u201d<\/p>\n The warden sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did you want the computer to do?\u201d<\/p>\n Benjamin shook his head in frustration.<\/p>\n \u201cI only wanted one simple thing from that computer. One simple task\u2014and it couldn\u2019t even do that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat task?\u201d<\/p>\n Benjamin pointed at the broken keyboard.<\/p>\n \u201cI hit the Escape key, and nothing happened. I hit the key again, and still nothing happened.\u201d<\/p>\n The warden stared at him.<\/p>\n \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n Benjamin sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m still here! I think I\u2019m going to sue Compaq!\u201d<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n The Right Answer<\/strong><\/p>\n The teacher said, \u201cI\u2019ll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.\u201d<\/p>\n An Irish boy put his hand up and said, \u201cIt was St. Patrick.\u201d<\/p>\n The teacher shook her head.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, Sean. That\u2019s not correct.\u201d<\/p>\n Then a French boy raised his hand and said, \u201cIt was Napoleon.\u201d<\/p>\n The teacher replied, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pierre. That\u2019s not right either.\u201d<\/p>\n Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, \u201cIt was Jesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n The teacher smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s absolutely right, Maurice! Come up here and I\u2019ll give you your two dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n As the teacher handed Maurice the money, she said, \u201cYou know, Maurice, with you being Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n Maurice smiled and replied, \u201cYeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.\u201d<\/p>\n The woman was very rich, and the man was poor but honest. She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it.<\/p>\n One night, he had been a little more tender than usual.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are very rich,\u201d he ventured.<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d she replied frankly. \u201cI\u2019m worth $1.25 million.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2019m poor,\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n \u201cWill you marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you would say no.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why did you ask me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, just to see how a man feels when he loses $1.25 million.\u201d<\/p>\n Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office when he spots one that looks absolutely perfect in an antique shop window.<\/p>\n He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.<\/p>\n \u201cThat desk is going for $5,000,\u201d says the shopkeeper.<\/p>\n \u201c$5,000 for an old desk? That\u2019s outrageous!\u201d exclaims Stanley.<\/p>\n \u201cAh,\u201d says the shopkeeper, \u201cbut this is a magic desk.\u201d<\/p>\n He turns to the desk and asks, \u201cDesk, how much money do I have in my pocket?\u201d<\/p>\n The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times.<\/p>\n The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins inside.<\/p>\n \u201cWow, that\u2019s pretty cool,\u201d says Stanley.<\/p>\n \u201cAlright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?\u201d<\/p>\n At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for more than five minutes.<\/p>\n Stanley stares at it in amazement.<\/p>\n \u201cDarn! Where did she get all THAT from?\u201d he wonders.<\/p>\n Suddenly, the desk\u2019s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n A Texan Farmer Goes To Australia<\/strong><\/p>\n A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia.<\/p>\n There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.<\/p>\n The Australian shows off his enormous wheat field, and the Texan says:<\/p>\n \u201cOh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.\u201d<\/p>\n Then they walk around the ranch for a bit, and the Australian proudly shows off his herd of cattle.<\/p>\n The Texan farmer immediately says:<\/p>\n \u201cWe have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.\u201d<\/p>\n The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.<\/p>\n He points at them and asks, \u201cAnd what are those?\u201d<\/p>\n The Australian responds with an incredulous look.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?\u201d<\/p>\n Hope this joke makes you smile!<\/p>\n Have a nice day!!!<\/p>\n A government man approaches a pig farmer one day and asks him what he feeds his pigs.<\/p>\n The farmer answers, \u201cOh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.\u201d<\/p>\n The man is shocked.<\/p>\n \u201cSir, this is animal cruelty! I\u2019ll have to fine you $10,000!\u201d<\/p>\n The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.<\/p>\n The farmer replies, \u201cOh, the pigs? Only the best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!\u201d<\/p>\n The man is shocked.<\/p>\n \u201cSir, the food is way too rich for them! They\u2019ll get sick!<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll have to fine you $10,000!\u201d<\/p>\n On the third day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.<\/p>\n The farmer thinks for a moment.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, the pigs? I\u2019ll give them 20 bucks each and let them shop for themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n LOL!!<\/p>\n Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n A Man and a Smart, Witty Beggar<\/strong><\/p>\n A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2, and that continues for an entire year.<\/p>\n Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50.<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d the beggar thinks, \u201cit\u2019s always better than nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n Another year passes in this way until the daily donation suddenly becomes just $1.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s going on now?\u201d the beggar finally asks his regular donor.<\/p>\n \u201cFirst you gave me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d the man says, \u201cmy eldest son went to college last year. It\u2019s very expensive, so I had to cut my costs. This year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd how many children do you have?\u201d asks the beggar.<\/p>\n \u201cFour,\u201d the man replies.<\/p>\n The beggar nods thoughtfully.<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d he says, \u201cI hope you don\u2019t plan to educate them all at my expense.\u201d<\/p>\n Two Beggars in London<\/strong><\/p>\n Two beggars in London, Ali and Habib, beg in different areas of the city.<\/p>\n Habib begs just as long as Ali does but only brings home \u00a32 to \u00a33 every day.<\/p>\n Ali, on the other hand, brings home a suitcase FULL of \u00a310 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and seems to have plenty of money to spend.<\/p>\n Habib finally becomes curious.<\/p>\n \u201cI work just as long and just as hard as you do,\u201d he says to Ali, \u201cbut how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of \u00a310 notes every day?\u201d<\/p>\n Ali smiles.<\/p>\n \u201cLook at your sign. What does it say?\u201d<\/p>\n Habib\u2019s sign reads:<\/p>\n \u201cI have no job, a wife, and six kids to support.\u201d<\/p>\n Ali nods.<\/p>\n \u201cNo wonder you only get \u00a32 or \u00a33.\u201d<\/p>\n Habib looks puzzled.<\/p>\n \u201cSo what does your sign say?\u201d<\/p>\n Ali proudly shows him his sign.<\/p>\n It reads:<\/p>\n \u201cI only need another \u00a310 to move back to my country.\u201d<\/p>\n LOL!<\/p>\n Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.<\/p>\n One day he prayed, \u201cDear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.<\/p>\n \u201cI want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.\u201d<\/p>\n God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man\u2019s wish.<\/p>\n The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.<\/p>\n He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, laid out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to withdraw money to pay the power and telephone bills.<\/p>\n He drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home, and put away the groceries.<\/p>\n He cleaned the cat\u2019s litter box and bathed the dog.<\/p>\n Then it was already 1 p.m., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep, and mop the kitchen floor.<\/p>\n He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.<\/p>\n He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework.<\/p>\n Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.<\/p>\n At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breading the pork chops, and snapping fresh beans for supper.<\/p>\n After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.<\/p>\n At 9 p.m., he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren\u2019t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to have a \u201cgreat time\u201d with his wife\u2014which he managed to get through without complaint.<\/p>\n The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt beside the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cLord, I don\u2019t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife\u2019s being able to stay home all day.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease, oh please, let us trade back.\u201d<\/p>\n The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied:<\/p>\n \u201cMy son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.\u201d<\/p>\n The man breathed a huge sigh of relief.<\/p>\n Then the Lord added:<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll have to wait nine months, though.<\/p>\n \u201cYou got pregnant last night!\u201d<\/p>\n =========<\/p>\n There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.<\/p>\n The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, \u201cLet\u2019s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.\u201d<\/p>\n The guy with the Chihuahua says, \u201cWe can\u2019t go in there.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ve got dogs with us.\u201d<\/p>\n The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \u201cJust follow my lead.\u201d<\/p>\n They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.<\/p>\n The bouncer at the door immediately stops him.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, mac, no pets allowed!\u201d<\/p>\n The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\u201d<\/p>\n The bouncer looks down at the Doberman.<\/p>\n \u201cA Doberman Pinscher?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d the man replies confidently. \u201cThey\u2019re using them now. They\u2019re very good\u2014and they protect me from robbers, too.\u201d<\/p>\n The bouncer thinks about it for a moment.<\/p>\n \u201cCome on in.\u201d<\/p>\n The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, \u201cWhat the heck!\u201d<\/p>\n He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.<\/p>\n Once again, the bouncer stops him.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, pal. No pets allowed!\u201d<\/p>\n The guy with the Chihuahua says, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\u201d<\/p>\n The bouncer looks at the tiny dog.<\/p>\n \u201cA Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n The man sighs.<\/p>\n \u201cA Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n The Cell Phone That Called Mom<\/strong><\/p>\n A customer left his cell phone in my store.<\/p>\n I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at \u201cMom,\u201d and pushed send.<\/p>\n His mother answered, and I told her what had happened.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ll take care of it.\u201d<\/p>\n A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.<\/p>\n It was \u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2026<\/p>\n ..<\/p>\n .<\/p>\n \u201cMartin,\u201d she said, \u201cyou left your cell phone at the convenience store.\u201d<\/p>\n ======<\/p>\n A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.<\/p>\n The barman serves him.<\/p>\n The man drinks it and orders another.<\/p>\n This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.<\/p>\n The barman finally asks, \u201cIs there anything the matter, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n The chap replies, \u201cI had an enormous argument with my wife.<\/p>\n \u201cShe said she won\u2019t speak to me for a month, and I have to sleep on the sofa.\u201d<\/p>\n The barman says, \u201cBest bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don\u2019t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.\u201d<\/p>\n The chap looks at him sadly.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is the last night.\u201d<\/p>\n =====<\/p>\n A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.<\/p>\n After a few seconds of what appeared to be very serious thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.<\/p>\n \u201cExcuse me,\u201d she said, \u201cbut can I buy a longer dipstick?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, ma\u2019am, of course.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you need a longer one?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause this one isn\u2019t long enough to reach the oil.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.<\/p>\n Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, \u201cOne of the engines has failed, and the flight will be an hour longer. But don\u2019t worry\u2014we still have three engines.\u201d<\/p>\n Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, \u201cOne more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer.<\/p>\n \u201cBut don\u2019t worry. We still have two engines left.\u201d<\/p>\n An hour later, the captain announced, \u201cOne more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer.<\/p>\n \u201cBut don\u2019t worry. We have one engine left.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2026<\/p>\n .. .<\/p>\n One blonde looked at the other blonde and said,<\/p>\n \u201cIf we lose one more engine, we\u2019ll be up here all day!\u201d<\/p>\n ============================================<\/p>\n A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.<\/p>\n One day, his wife became so angry that she told him, \u201cIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.\u201d<\/p>\n Her husband didn\u2019t believe her, so he continued smoking and drinking just as he always had.<\/p>\n His wife was determined to prove herself right.<\/p>\n One morning, she went out early and bought some large sausages and similar food, then secretly placed them inside her husband\u2019s underwear while he was sleeping.<\/p>\n A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.<\/p>\n After another 30 minutes of silence, he finally came downstairs, sweating profusely.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d asked the wife.<\/p>\n \u201cYou were right!\u201d he exclaimed.<\/p>\n \u201cMy intestines really did come out!<\/p>\n \u201cBut don\u2019t worry, honey. After a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.\u201d<\/p>\n ================================<\/p>\n Michael\u2019s wife, refusing to give in to the signs of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.<\/p>\n After a lengthy session in front of the mirror applying the \u201cmiracle\u201d products, she turns to her husband.<\/p>\n \u201cDarling, honestly, if you didn\u2019t know me, what age would you say I am?\u201d<\/p>\n Michael looks her over carefully.<\/p>\n \u201cJudging from your skin, I\u2019d say twenty. Your hair, eighteen. And your figure, twenty-five.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, you flatterer!\u201d she gushes.<\/p>\n Just as she is about to tell Michael what his reward will be, he stops her.<\/p>\n \u201cWHOA, hold on there, sweetie\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n She looks at him expectantly.<\/p>\n \u201cI haven\u2019t added them up yet!\u201d<\/p>\n P.S. \u2014 Please let us know if you\u2019ve seen him. We\u2019re very worried.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n An irate father stormed into the principal\u2019s office.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll get Winslow\u2019s English teacher in here,\u201d the principal said. \u201cI\u2019m sure she has some explanation.\u201d<\/p>\n A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you give Winslow a zero on his test?\u201d demanded the father.<\/p>\n \u201cI had no choice,\u201d said the schoolmarm.<\/p>\n \u201cHe handed in a completely blank paper with absolutely nothing written on it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s no excuse!\u201d shouted the father.<\/p>\n \u2026<\/p>\n .. .<\/p>\n \u201cYou could have at least given him an \u2018A\u2019 for neatness!\u201d<\/p>\n ==============================<\/p>\n Machine and Bottle<\/strong><\/p>\n After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.<\/p>\n They went to a lawyer and outlined their wishes about how their estate should be handled.<\/p>\n The lawyer then asked them what medical means should be employed should either of them become severely injured.<\/p>\n Tom spoke up immediately.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can\u2019t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.\u201d<\/p>\n Sarah took Tom\u2019s words very seriously.<\/p>\n When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom\u2019s beer.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.<\/p>\n It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.<\/p>\n Looking inside her purse, she suddenly frowned.<\/p>\n \u201cHmmm\u2026that\u2019s funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it.<\/p>\n \u201cNow there are twenty $1 bills.\u201d<\/p>\n The boy quickly replied, \u201cThat\u2019s right, lady.<\/p>\n \u2026<\/p>\n .. .<\/p>\n \u201cThe last time I found a lady\u2019s purse, she didn\u2019t have any change for a reward.\u201d<\/p>\n LOLLLL!<\/p>\n Did you laugh?<\/p>\n We hope you enjoyed this joke. Have a nice day! You are loved!<\/p>\n ====================================<\/p>\n First Day on the Job, and This Trainee Already Knows How to Handle the Big Boss!<\/strong><\/p>\n A man starts his first day as a trainee at a huge corporate empire.<\/p>\n Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry.<\/p>\n \u201cGet me a coffee, quickly!\u201d he demands.<\/p>\n But\u2014oops!<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t dial the pantry.<\/p>\n A voice on the other end immediately snaps back, \u201cYou fool! You\u2019ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you\u2019re talking to, dumbo?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d the trainee replies.<\/p>\n The voice on the other end huffs impatiently.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s the CEO of the company, you fool!\u201d<\/p>\n The trainee pauses for a moment.<\/p>\n Then he suddenly shouts back, \u201cAnd do you know who YOU\u2019RE talking to, you fool?!\u201d<\/p>\n The CEO, now completely confused, asks, \u201cNo. Who?\u201d<\/p>\n The trainee replies,<\/p>\n \u201cGood!\u201d<\/p>\n \u2026and hangs up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Two old men decide they are getting close to their last days and decide to have one final night on the town. After a few drinks, they somehow end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, \u201cGo upstairs to the first two […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":34566,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34565","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-tales"],"yoast_head":"\n