Drunk guy gets pulled over. The officer starts doing sobriety tests on him. Finally, the officer says, \u201cIf you can pass this last test, I\u2019ll let you go. Use the words \u2018green,\u2019 \u2018pink,\u2019 and \u2018yellow\u2019 in one sentence.\u201d<\/p>\n
The drunk man thinks for a moment, then confidently replies, \u201cMy phone went green, so I pinked it up and said, \u2018Yellow.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer stares at him for a long moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave a nice day, sir!\u201d<\/p>\n
A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He walks up to the driver\u2019s window and says, \u201cSir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man immediately shakes his head. \u201cSorry, officer. I can\u2019t do that. I\u2019m asthmatic. If I do that, I\u2019ll have a really bad asthma attack.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, fine,\u201d sighs the officer. \u201cThen I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t do that either,\u201d the man says. \u201cI\u2019m a hemophiliac. If I do that, I\u2019ll bleed to death.\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer looks increasingly frustrated.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, then, we need a urine sample.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, officer. I can\u2019t do that either. I\u2019m diabetic. If I do that, my blood sugar will get dangerously low.\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer takes a deep breath and tries one final approach.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, then. I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man looks down at the line, then back at the officer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t do that, officer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man sighs.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I\u2019m too drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n
A police officer responded to a report of a disturbance at a downtown restaurant.<\/p>\n
The \u201cdisturbance\u201d turned out to be a man well over six feet tall and weighing almost 300 pounds. The giant was loudly boasting that he could whip the police officer and even the heavyweight boxing champion of the world.<\/p>\n
The officer calmly studied him for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI bet you\u2019re also an escape artist,\u201d the policeman said. \u201cProbably better than Houdini.\u201d<\/p>\n
The giant proudly nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I had some chains,\u201d the officer continued, \u201cyou could show us how strong you really are. But all I\u2019ve got is a set of handcuffs.<\/p>\n
Why don\u2019t we see just how quickly you can break out of them?\u201d<\/p>\n
The giant eagerly agreed.<\/p>\n
Once the cuffs were on, the man puffed, pulled, twisted, and jerked with all his strength. Four minutes passed.<\/p>\n
Finally, he stopped, exhausted.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t get out of these,\u201d the giant growled.<\/p>\n
The officer raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
The fellow tried again. He pulled until his face turned red.<\/p>\n
\u201cNope,\u201d he finally admitted. \u201cI can\u2019t do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn that case, you\u2019re under arrest.\u201d<\/p>\n
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie\u2019s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris.<\/p>\n
The officer politely explained, \u201cMa\u2019am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn\u2019t find his way home.\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris in disbelief.<\/p>\n
\u201cLost? You\u2019ve been going to that park for 30 years! How did you get lost today?\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandpa Morris waited until the officer had stepped a little farther away.<\/p>\n
Then he leaned toward Grandma Bessie and whispered, \u201cI wasn\u2019t lost.\u201d<\/p>\n
Grandma raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was just too tired to walk home.\u201d<\/p>\n
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks. The officer says sternly, \u201cSir, you can\u2019t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man nods, agrees, and drives away.<\/p>\n
The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck.<\/p>\n
His eyes widen.<\/p>\n
The truck is still overflowing with ducks\u2014but this time, every single duck is wearing sunglasses.<\/p>\n
Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man grins.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did!\u201d<\/p>\n
The officer points at the ducks.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are they all wearing sunglasses?\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man shrugs.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut now the little rascals want to go to the beach!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n
A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of beer.<\/p>\n
He heads to a corner and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn. Once he\u2019s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more.<\/p>\n
Curious, the bartender approaches him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, beer goes flat pretty quickly after it\u2019s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, here\u2019s the thing. I\u2019ve got two brothers\u2014one in Arizona and the other in Colorado.<\/p>\n
When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we\u2019d each have one for the others, just like we did back home.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves him alone.<\/p>\n
The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.<\/p>\n
One day, however, he walks into the bar and orders only two mugs.<\/p>\n
The regulars notice immediately.<\/p>\n
The room suddenly becomes quiet.<\/p>\n
When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss,\u201d he says. \u201cI just wanted to offer my condolences.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy looks confused for a second.<\/p>\n
Then he bursts out laughing.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, no, no! Nobody passed away!\u201d<\/p>\n
The bartender looks relieved.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking.\u201d<\/p>\n
He raises his glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut my brothers are still going strong!\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL! Hope this joke made you smile. Have a wonderful day!<\/p>\n
An Old Cowboy Gets Three Wishes<\/p>\n
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. He\u2019s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when suddenly he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.<\/p>\n
With the last of his strength, he crawls toward it, pulls it from the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.<\/p>\n
He opens it.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, out pops a genie.<\/p>\n
But this is no ordinary genie.<\/p>\n
She wears an Australian Taxation Office badge and a dull grey dress.<\/p>\n
There is a calculator in her pocketbook, and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, old cowboy,\u201d says the genie, \u201cyou know how this works.<\/p>\n
You have three wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not falling for this,\u201d says the old man. \u201cI\u2019m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.\u201d<\/p>\n
The genie smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you have to lose? You have no transportation, no water, and it looks like you\u2019re a goner anyway!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man thinks about it for a minute.<\/p>\n
Finally, he decides she has a point.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright,\u201d he says. \u201cFirst wish: I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam!<\/p>\n
The old cowboy suddenly finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicious food.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, old boy,\u201d says the genie. \u201cWhat\u2019s your second wish?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam!<\/p>\n
The old man is suddenly surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, cowpuncher,\u201d the genie says. \u201cYou\u2019ve got just one wish left.<\/p>\n
Better make it a good one!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old cowboy sits quietly, thinking harder than ever before.<\/p>\n
Finally, he smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The genie smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you absolutely certain?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery well.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam!<\/p>\n
The old cowboy looks down.<\/p>\n
And suddenly, he is turned into a tampon.<\/p>\n
Moral of the story:<\/p>\n
If the government offers you anything, there\u2019s probably a string attached.<\/p>\n
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How Much Money Did I Have?<\/p>\n
Puzzles can come in many \u201cflavors.\u201d Today, there are millions to choose from online.<\/p>\n
They can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions\u2014or even a classic old riddle.<\/p>\n
Riddles are very popular, so here comes one.<\/p>\n
The question is simple:<\/p>\n
How Much Money Did I Have?<\/p>\n
The riddle says:<\/p>\n
\u201cI had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars.<\/p>\n
My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars. I had another 5 dollars.<\/p>\n
How much money did I have?\u201d<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll reveal the correct answer below.<\/p>\n
A<\/p>\n
B<\/p>\n
C<\/p>\n
Here is the correct answer.<\/p>\n
Have you come up with an answer?<\/p>\n
Take a deep breath and concentrate. The answer might be easier than you think.<\/p>\n
Maybe there is something hidden in the wording of this old riddle.<\/p>\n
After the picture below, you can see whether you got the right solution.<\/p>\n
The answer is 18 dollars.<\/p>\n
The clue is in the wording of the question. It asks how much money \u201cDID\u201d I have\u2014not how much money I received from everyone.<\/p>\n
That means the question is asking about the money you already had with you.<\/p>\n
You had 13 dollars originally, plus another 5 dollars, which adds up to 18 dollars.<\/p>\n
Clever, right?<\/p>\n
Sometimes the trick isn\u2019t in the mathematics at all.<\/p>\n
You simply have to read the question carefully and think outside the box.<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They\u2019ve been married for 55 years.<\/p>\n
The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they\u2019re both sipping lukewarm tea while watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard.<\/p>\n
Out of the blue, Edna sighs.<\/p>\n
\u201cBert, let\u2019s talk about our bucket lists.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert raises an eyebrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cBucket lists? Edna, I\u2019m 87. My list is down to \u2018wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna chuckles.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019m serious. Before we go, we should each do something we\u2019ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert thinks for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, fine. I\u2019ve always wanted to go skydiving.\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna\u2019s eyes widen.<\/p>\n
\u201cSkydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert shrugs.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor\u2019s garden.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve always wanted to haunt him.\u201d<\/p>\n
They laugh, and Edna nods.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, okay. You go skydiving.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll do mine too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert squints.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what\u2019s yours?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna suddenly gets a mischievous sparkle in her eye\u2014the same one she had back in 1965 when she \u201caccidentally\u201d dropped Bert\u2019s bowling trophy out of the car window during an argument.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert gulps.<\/p>\n
\u201cConfess what?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna leans closer and whispers, \u201cYou know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert nods.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. I blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it was me. I jammed a spatula into the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in \u201989.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert gasps.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou monster!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna giggles.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark Channel, no matter what button you pressed?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert blinks.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said it was haunted!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna smirks.<\/p>\n
\u201cNope.<\/p>\n
I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it. You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert\u2019s mouth drops open.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would you do that?!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna calmly sips her tea.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.\u201d<\/p>\n
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what, Edna? I\u2019ve got a confession too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d she says. \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou remember my \u2018fishing trips\u2019 every Saturday for ten years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna narrows her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t fish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know,\u201d Bert says proudly. \u201cI was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies.\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna stares at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her jaw drops.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!\u201d<\/p>\n
They both burst into laughter.<\/p>\n
And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they went bowling together\u2014mostly to keep an eye on each other.<\/p>\n
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car accident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.<\/p>\n
Thanks to the wife\u2019s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had remained in great shape for the last decade.<\/p>\n
St. Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion\u2014complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table.<\/p>\n
\u201cWow!\u201d the husband exclaimed. \u201cHow much does this cost?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing,\u201d St. Peter replied. \u201cThis is Heaven. Everything is free!\u201d<\/p>\n
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world\u2019s most elite greens.<\/p>\n
\u201cIncredible!\u201d the wife said. \u201cAnd the green fees?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFree,\u201d St. Peter chuckled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is Heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast\u2014Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream.<\/p>\n
The husband, still skeptical, asked, \u201cOkay\u2026but how much?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, for the last time\u2026FREE. This is Heaven!\u201d<\/p>\n
The husband hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u2026do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?\u201d<\/p>\n
St. Peter laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn Heaven, you\u2019ll never gain weight or get sick.<\/p>\n
Eat whatever you want!\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d his wife asked, completely confused.<\/p>\n
He pointed at her and yelled, \u201cTHIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!<\/p>\n
If it weren\u2019t for your bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL! Hope this joke made you smile!<\/p>\n
Have a wonderful day!<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
Little Johnny failed his math test.<\/p>\n
Father: \u201cWhy did you fail your mathematics test?\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnny: \u201cOn Monday, the teacher said 3 + 5 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father: \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnny: \u201cOn Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father: \u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnny: \u201cOn Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n
The father stares at him.<\/p>\n
Johnny shrugs.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf she can\u2019t make up her mind, how am I supposed to know the right answer?\u201d<\/p>\n
==================================<\/p>\n
Benjamin was in jail, serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years, he was notified that his uncle from Ludhiana had died and left him more than $50,000.<\/p>\n
Benjamin was thrilled.<\/p>\n
When the warden told him the money would be placed in trust until he was released, he asked if there was anything he wanted to buy in the meantime.<\/p>\n
Benjamin thought for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve read a lot about computers,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019d like a computer.\u201d<\/p>\n
The warden agreed and arranged for him to receive a brand-new Compaq computer.<\/p>\n
A few weeks later, the warden visited Benjamin\u2019s cell to see how he was doing.<\/p>\n
To his amazement, he found the computer smashed all over the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d the warden asked.<\/p>\n
Benjamin sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt didn\u2019t work right, so I got angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
The warden looked at the broken machine.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you want the computer to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
Benjamin shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI only wanted it to perform one simple task.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat task?\u201d<\/p>\n
Benjamin pointed angrily at the keyboard.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hit the Escape key, and nothing happened. I hit it again, and still nothing happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
The warden stared at him.<\/p>\n
Benjamin continued, \u201cAnd I\u2019m still here!\u201d<\/p>\n
He crossed his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I\u2019m going to sue Compaq.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n
The Right Answer<\/p>\n
The teacher said, \u201cI\u2019ll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.\u201d<\/p>\n
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, \u201cIt was St. Patrick.\u201d<\/p>\n
The teacher shook her head.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, Sean. That\u2019s not correct.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, \u201cIt was Napoleon.\u201d<\/p>\n
The teacher replied, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pierre. That\u2019s not right either.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finally, a boy raised his hand and said, \u201cIt was Jesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
The teacher smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s absolutely right. Come up here and I\u2019ll give you the two dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
As the teacher handed over the money, she said, \u201cYou know, I was very surprised that you gave that answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
The boy smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses.\u201d<\/p>\n
He slipped the money into his pocket.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut business is business.\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman was very rich, and the man was poor but honest.<\/p>\n
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it.<\/p>\n
One night, he had been a little more tender than usual.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are very rich,\u201d he ventured.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d she replied frankly. \u201cI\u2019m worth $1.25 million.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I\u2019m poor,\u201d he replied. \u201cWill you marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you would say no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why did you ask me?\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, just to see how a man feels when he loses $1.25 million.\u201d<\/p>\n
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office, and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window.<\/p>\n
He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat desk is going for $5,000,\u201d says the shopkeeper.<\/p>\n
\u201c$5,000 for an old desk? That\u2019s outrageous!\u201d exclaims Stanley.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh,\u201d says the shopkeeper, \u201cbut this is a magic desk.\u201d<\/p>\n
He turns to the desk and asks, \u201cDesk, how much money do I have in my pocket?\u201d<\/p>\n
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times.<\/p>\n
The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cWow,\u201d says Stanley. \u201cThat\u2019s pretty cool.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looks at the desk suspiciously.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, desk. How much money does my wife have in her bank account?\u201d<\/p>\n
At this, the desk suddenly goes wild.<\/p>\n
All four legs begin banging up and down repeatedly, faster and faster, for more than five minutes.<\/p>\n
Stanley stares in disbelief.<\/p>\n
\u201cDarn,\u201d he mutters. \u201cWhere did she get all THAT money from?\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly, the desk\u2019s legs slide apart.<\/p>\n
Its drawers drop open.<\/p>\n
Stanley takes one step backward.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s when he realizes the magic desk may know considerably more about his marriage than he does.<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
A Texan Farmer Goes to Australia<\/p>\n
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia.<\/p>\n
There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.<\/p>\n
The Australian proudly shows off his enormous wheat field.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh!\u201d the Texan exclaims.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Australian nods politely.<\/p>\n
Then they walk around the ranch for a while, and the Australian shows off his huge herd of cattle.<\/p>\n
The Texan immediately says, \u201cWe have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Australian farmer simply smiles.<\/p>\n
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan suddenly sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.<\/p>\n
He points excitedly.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what are those?\u201d<\/p>\n
The Australian looks at him with an incredulous expression.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?\u201d<\/p>\n
Hope this joke makes you smile!<\/p>\n
Have a great day!<\/p>\n
A government official approaches a pig farmer one day.<\/p>\n
The official asks, \u201cWhat do you feed your pigs?\u201d<\/p>\n
The farmer answers, \u201cOh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.\u201d<\/p>\n
The official looks horrified.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, this is animal cruelty! I\u2019ll have to fine you $10,000!\u201d<\/p>\n
The next day, another official approaches the farmer.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you feed your pigs?\u201d<\/p>\n
The farmer, remembering yesterday\u2019s fine, quickly changes his answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, the pigs? Only the best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!\u201d<\/p>\n
The official looks horrified.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, that food is far too rich for them! They\u2019ll get sick! I\u2019ll have to fine you $10,000!\u201d<\/p>\n
On the third day, another official approaches the farmer.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you feed your pigs?\u201d<\/p>\n
The farmer sighs.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, the pigs?\u201d<\/p>\n
He thinks for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI give them $20 each and let them shop for themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile!<\/p>\n
Have a wonderful day!<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
A Man and a Smart, Witty Beggar<\/p>\n
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.<\/p>\n
This continues for an entire year.<\/p>\n
Then, suddenly, the daily donation drops to $1.50.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d the man thinks, \u201cit\u2019s always better than nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another year passes this way.<\/p>\n
Then one day, the donation suddenly drops to $1.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s going on now?\u201d the beggar finally asks.<\/p>\n
\u201cFirst you gave me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d the man says, \u201cmy eldest son went to college last year. It\u2019s very expensive, so I had to cut my costs.\u201d<\/p>\n
The beggar nods.<\/p>\n
The man continues, \u201cThis year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.\u201d<\/p>\n
The beggar thinks about this for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how many children do you have?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFour,\u201d the man replies.<\/p>\n
The beggar sighs.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I hope you don\u2019t plan to educate all of them at my expense.\u201d<\/p>\n
Two Beggars in London<\/p>\n
Two beggars in London, Ali and Habib, beg in different areas of the city.<\/p>\n
Habib begs for just as long as Ali does, but he only brings home \u00a32 or \u00a33 every day.<\/p>\n
Ali, however, brings home a suitcase full of \u00a310 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and seems to have plenty of money to spend.<\/p>\n
One day, Habib finally asks, \u201cI work just as long and just as hard as you do. How is it that you bring home a suitcase full of \u00a310 notes every day?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ali smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook at your sign. What does it say?\u201d<\/p>\n
Habib\u2019s sign reads:<\/p>\n
\u201cI have no job, a wife, and six kids to support.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ali shakes his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo wonder you only get \u00a32 or \u00a33.\u201d<\/p>\n
Habib looks puzzled.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what does your sign say?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ali proudly shows him his sign.<\/p>\n
It reads:<\/p>\n
\u201cI only need another \u00a310 to move back to my country.\u201d<\/p>\n
LOL! Hope this joke makes you smile!<\/p>\n
Have a wonderful day!<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.<\/p>\n
One day, he finally snapped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays home,\u201d he complained.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want her to know what I go through, so please, Lord, trade our bodies.\u201d<\/p>\n
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man\u2019s wish.<\/p>\n
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.<\/p>\n
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, and drove them to school.<\/p>\n
He came home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to withdraw money to pay the power and telephone bills.<\/p>\n
He drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills.<\/p>\n
Then he went grocery shopping, came home, and put away the groceries.<\/p>\n
He cleaned the cat\u2019s litter box and bathed the dog.<\/p>\n
Then it was already 1 p.m., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.<\/p>\n
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.<\/p>\n
He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework.<\/p>\n
Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.<\/p>\n
At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for the salad, breading the pork chops, and snapping fresh beans for supper.<\/p>\n
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.<\/p>\n
At 9 p.m., he was exhausted.<\/p>\n
And although his daily chores still weren\u2019t finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to have a little romantic time with his wife\u2014which he somehow managed to get through without complaint.<\/p>\n
The next morning, he immediately knelt beside the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cLord, I don\u2019t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife\u2019s being able to stay home all day.\u201d<\/p>\n
He pleaded, \u201cPlease, oh please, let us trade back.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied,<\/p>\n
\u201cMy son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man smiled with relief.<\/p>\n
Then the Lord added:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll have to wait nine months, though.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man froze.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou got pregnant last night!\u201d<\/p>\n
=========<\/p>\n
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.<\/p>\n
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, \u201cLet\u2019s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.\u201d<\/p>\n
The guy with the Chihuahua says, \u201cWe can\u2019t go in there. We\u2019ve got dogs with us.\u201d<\/p>\n
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust follow my lead.\u201d<\/p>\n
They walk over to the restaurant.<\/p>\n
The man with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts walking toward the entrance.<\/p>\n
The bouncer at the door immediately steps in front of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, mac. No pets allowed!\u201d<\/p>\n
The man with the Doberman calmly replies, \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bouncer looks down at the Doberman.<\/p>\n
\u201cA Doberman Pinscher?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d the man says. \u201cThey\u2019re using them now. They\u2019re very good. They even protect me from robbers.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bouncer thinks about it.<\/p>\n
Finally, he shrugs.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright. Come on in.\u201d<\/p>\n
The buddy with the Chihuahua thinks, \u201cWhat the heck!\u201d<\/p>\n
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts walking toward the entrance.<\/p>\n
Once again, the bouncer steps in front of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, pal. No pets allowed!\u201d<\/p>\n
The man points proudly at his Chihuahua.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bouncer stares at the tiny dog.<\/p>\n
\u201cA Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man looks down at the dog, then back at the bouncer.<\/p>\n
\u201cA Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shakes his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey gave me a Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
A customer left his cell phone in my store.<\/p>\n
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at \u201cMom,\u201d and pushed send.<\/p>\n
His mother answered, and I told her what had happened.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ll take care of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.<\/p>\n
I looked at the screen.<\/p>\n
It was \u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n
I answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cMartin,\u201d she said, \u201cyou left your cell phone at the convenience store.\u201d<\/p>\n
======<\/p>\n
A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.<\/p>\n
The barman serves him.<\/p>\n
The man drinks it and orders another.<\/p>\n
This goes on for a while, until eventually the chap begins to slow down.<\/p>\n
The barman notices.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs there anything the matter, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n
The chap sighs.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had an enormous argument with my wife. She said she won\u2019t speak to me for a month.\u201d<\/p>\n
The barman raises an eyebrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you\u2019re sleeping on the sofa?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n
The barman nods sympathetically.<\/p>\n
\u201cBest bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don\u2019t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.\u201d<\/p>\n
The chap looks at his drink.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
The barman waits.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is the last night.\u201d<\/p>\n
=====<\/p>\n
A woman stopped at a gas station, got out of her car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.<\/p>\n
After a few seconds of what appeared to be very serious thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me,\u201d she said, \u201cbut can I buy a longer dipstick?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, ma\u2019am. Of course. Why do you need a longer one?\u201d<\/p>\n
She held up the dipstick and explained:<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause this one isn\u2019t long enough to reach the oil.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
Two women were flying from Cleveland to Miami.<\/p>\n
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced:<\/p>\n
\u201cOne of the engines has failed, and the flight will be an hour longer. But don\u2019t worry\u2014we still have three engines.\u201d<\/p>\n
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced:<\/p>\n
\u201cOne more engine has failed, and the flight will be two hours longer. But don\u2019t worry\u2014we still have two engines left.\u201d<\/p>\n
An hour later, the captain announced:<\/p>\n
\u201cOne more engine has failed, and the flight will be three hours longer.<\/p>\n
But don\u2019t worry\u2014we still have one engine left.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cabin grew quiet.<\/p>\n
One woman looked nervously at the other.<\/p>\n
Finally, she whispered,<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we lose one more engine, we\u2019ll be up here all day!\u201d<\/p>\n
============================================<\/p>\n
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.<\/p>\n
One day, his wife became so angry that she told him, \u201cIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out!\u201d<\/p>\n
Her husband didn\u2019t believe her.<\/p>\n
So he kept on smoking and drinking just as he always had.<\/p>\n
His wife, determined to prove herself right, went out one morning and bought some large artificial intestines.<\/p>\n
While her husband slept, she carefully placed them in his underwear.<\/p>\n
A short while later, he woke up.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, he let out a huge scream.<\/p>\n
Then everything went silent.<\/p>\n
For the next 30 minutes, there was not a sound.<\/p>\n
Another 30 minutes passed.<\/p>\n
Finally, he came downstairs, sweating profusely and looking terrified.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d his wife asked innocently.<\/p>\n
He stared at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were right!\u201d<\/p>\n
She widened her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy intestines really did come out!\u201d<\/p>\n
She tried not to laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut don\u2019t worry, honey,\u201d he continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.\u201d<\/p>\n
================================<\/p>\n
Michael\u2019s wife, refusing to give in to the signs of growing older, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.<\/p>\n
After a lengthy session in front of the mirror applying the \u201cmiracle\u201d products, she finally turns to her husband.<\/p>\n
\u201cDarling, honestly, if you didn\u2019t know me, what age would you say I am?\u201d<\/p>\n
Michael looks her over carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cJudging from your skin, I\u2019d say twenty.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour hair makes you look eighteen.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiles even more.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd your figure makes you look twenty-five.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you flatterer!\u201d she gushes.<\/p>\n
Just as she is about to tell Michael how much she appreciates his answer, he stops her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoa, hold on there, sweetie.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looks puzzled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven\u2019t added them up yet!\u201d<\/p>\n
P.S. Please let us know if you\u2019ve seen him. We\u2019re very worried.<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
An irate father stormed into the principal\u2019s office.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll get Winslow\u2019s English teacher in here,\u201d the principal said. \u201cI\u2019m sure she has some explanation.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did you give Winslow a zero on his test?\u201d demanded the father.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had no choice,\u201d said the teacher. \u201cHe handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The father stared at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s no excuse!\u201d he shouted.<\/p>\n
The teacher looked confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat else could I have done?\u201d<\/p>\n
The father threw up his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou could have at least given him an \u2018A\u2019 for neatness!\u201d<\/p>\n
==============================<\/p>\n
Machine and Bottle<\/p>\n
After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.<\/p>\n
They went to a lawyer and outlined their ideas about how their estate should be handled.<\/p>\n
The lawyer then asked them what medical measures should be employed if they became severely injured.<\/p>\n
Tom immediately spoke up.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can\u2019t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sarah took Tom\u2019s words very seriously.<\/p>\n
When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom\u2019s beer.<\/p>\n
\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.<\/p>\n
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.<\/p>\n
Looking inside her purse, she suddenly frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmm\u2026that\u2019s funny.\u201d<\/p>\n
The boy looked worried.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.\u201d<\/p>\n
The boy quickly replied,<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right, lady.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at him suspiciously.<\/p>\n
The boy smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe last time I found a lady\u2019s purse, she didn\u2019t have any chance for a reward.\u201d<\/p>\n
LOLLLL! Did you laugh?<\/p>\n
We hope you enjoyed this joke.<\/p>\n
Have a wonderful day!<\/p>\n
You are loved!<\/p>\n
====================================<\/p>\n
First Day on the Job\u2014and This Trainee Already Knows How to Handle the Big Boss!<\/p>\n
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a huge corporate empire.<\/p>\n
Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials what he thinks is the pantry.<\/p>\n
\u201cGet me a coffee, quickly!\u201d he demands.<\/p>\n
But\u2014oops!<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t dial the pantry.<\/p>\n
A furious voice on the other end snaps back:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou fool! You\u2019ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you\u2019re talking to, dumbo?!\u201d<\/p>\n
The trainee pauses.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
The voice becomes even more irritated.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s the CEO of the company, you fool!\u201d<\/p>\n
The trainee thinks for a second.<\/p>\n
Then he suddenly shouts back:<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd do you know who YOU\u2019RE talking to, you fool?!\u201d<\/p>\n
The CEO, now completely confused, asks,<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Who?\u201d<\/p>\n
The trainee smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood!\u201d<\/p>\n
And hangs up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Drunk guy gets pulled over. The officer starts doing sobriety tests on him. Finally, the officer says, \u201cIf you can pass this last test, I\u2019ll let you go. Use the words \u2018green,\u2019 \u2018pink,\u2019 and \u2018yellow\u2019 in one sentence.\u201d The drunk man thinks for a moment, then confidently replies, \u201cMy phone went green, so I pinked […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":34251,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34250","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-tales"],"yoast_head":"\n