After a meeting several days ago, I couldn\u2019t find my keys.<\/p>\n
I quickly gave myself a personal \u201cTSA Pat Down.\u201d<\/p>\n
They weren\u2019t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.<\/p>\n
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car\u2019s ignition. He\u2019s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I hurried toward the lot, a knot formed in my stomach.<\/p>\n
The closer I got, the worse the feeling became.<\/p>\n
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.<\/p>\n
The parking lot was empty.<\/p>\n
For a few seconds I just stood there, staring at the vacant space where my car should have been. My heart sank.<\/p>\n
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.<\/p>\n
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: \u201cI left my keys in the car and it\u2019s been stolen.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a long moment of silence.<\/p>\n
I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d he barked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI dropped you off!\u201d<\/p>\n
Now it was my turn to be silent.<\/p>\n
The realization hit me like a freight train.<\/p>\n
Embarrassed, I said, \u201cWell, can you come and get me?\u201d<\/p>\n
He retorted, \u201cI will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn\u2019t steal your car!\u201d<\/p>\n
Welcome to the golden years\u2026<\/p>\n
—<\/p>\n
And the cowboy-genie joke can be strengthened like this:<\/p>\n
—<\/p>\n
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when he suddenly sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.<\/p>\n
At first, he thinks he is hallucinating.<\/p>\n
But the object remains.<\/p>\n
Gathering the last of his strength, he drags himself across the burning sand and pulls it free.<\/p>\n
To his surprise, it looks like an old briefcase.<\/p>\n
He opens it and out pops a genie.<\/p>\n
But this is no ordinary genie.<\/p>\n
She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, old cowboy,\u201d said the genie. \u201cYou know how this works. You have three wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not falling for this,\u201d says the old man. \u201cI\u2019m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you have to lose?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have no transportation, no water, and judging by the look of you, you\u2019re already halfway to the afterlife.\u201d<\/p>\n
The old cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides the genie is right.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d he says. \u201cI wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam!<\/p>\n
The old cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot bad,\u201d he mutters.<\/p>\n
\u201cSecond wish?\u201d asks the genie.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam!<\/p>\n
The old man is suddenly surrounded by treasure chests overflowing with rare gold coins and precious gems.<\/p>\n
The genie smiles.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, cowpuncher, you have one wish left.<\/p>\n
Choose carefully.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cowboy sits down and thinks for several minutes.<\/p>\n
Finally, he grins.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want me, need me, and always keep me close.\u201d<\/p>\n
The genie raises an eyebrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shazam!<\/p>\n
He is turned into a t-a.mpon.<\/p>\n
Moral of the story:<\/p>\n
If the government offers you anything, there\u2019s always a string attached.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After a meeting several days ago, I couldn\u2019t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal \u201cTSA Pat Down.\u201d They weren\u2019t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":29811,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-tales"],"yoast_head":"\n