Old Mr. Higgins had run the local pharmacy for forty years, and he had a special “ritual” for the local college students who came in to buy condoms. He didn’t just sell them; he treated every transaction like a high-stakes tactical mission.<\/p>\n
One Friday night, a nervous freshman named Leo shuffled up to the counter with a three-pack of “Extra Sensitive” and set them down like he was handling live plutonium.<\/p>\n
Higgins peered over his spectacles, looked at the box, then looked at Leo. He sighed deeply and picked up the store intercom.<\/p>\n
“PLUMBING DEPARTMENT,”<\/b> he boomed, his voice echoing through the aisles. “I NEED A STATUS REPORT ON THE EMERGENCY LEAK PREVENTION KIT!”<\/b><\/p>\n
The entire store went silent. Leo turned the color of a fire extinguisher.<\/p>\n
Higgins leaned over the counter and whispered, “Relax, son. Just making sure the inventory is up to code. Now, do you want the ‘Standard’ or the ‘Extended Warranty’?”<\/p>\n
“The… the what?” Leo stammered.<\/p>\n
Higgins pulled a giant bottle of baby aspirin<\/b> from under the counter.<\/p>\n
“The Extended Warranty,” Higgins deadpanned. “If these fail, come back in nine months and I’ll give you a 10% discount on the aspirin. You\u2019re gonna need it for the headaches, the crying, and the inevitable realization that your gaming career is over.”<\/p>\n
Leo handed over a twenty-dollar bill and told him to keep the change.<\/p>\n
As Leo bolted for the door, Higgins shouted after him, “GOOD LUCK, SOLDIER! REMEMBER: TARGET ACQUIRED, BUT DEPLOYMENT IS AT YOUR OWN RISK!”<\/b><\/p>\n
Higgins turned to the elderly woman next in line. “Next! Oh, hello Mrs. Gable. Need your blood pressure meds?”<\/p>\n
Mrs. Gable blinked. “I think I need them more after watching that, Higgins.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Old Mr. Higgins had run the local pharmacy for forty years, and he had a special “ritual” for the local college students who came in to buy condoms. He didn’t just sell them; he treated every transaction like a high-stakes tactical mission. One Friday night, a nervous freshman named Leo shuffled up to the counter […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":22227,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-funny"],"yoast_head":"\n